Lonely

It's been a while, but here's just a blog on how I'm feelin tonight. We had Purple Like Raggae tonight. I thought it went well. I love that the group is so talkative and into discussion. I really like the fact that we can all give our opinions. Rach came tonight. I really love that girl. (Kathy's the reason I'm back on the blogger, I had to reset my password and everything so I could use it). Rach asked me to go with her on a mission trip to Ireland next summer. How awesome is that? I'm so excited. God really does keep all His promises and when He calls you to do something, He means it. Even if you feel like giving up, He won't. That last sentence was actually really profound to me. I feel so much like giving up. I'm hurting so much and everything seems so hard right now. But somehow I know that God is going to bring me through all this. He's going to get glory from what He does with my life. And He's going to do something big with it. He's going to impact the world, and He's going to use me. My heart is focused on the wrong things and as hard as I've tried to change it's focus, it shifts right back to where it was before. Even as I write these words, wishing I wouldn't be this way, my mind is somewhere else focused on the things I'm going through right now. Arg! I feel so alone. My neighbor died today. I called her grandma, and when I was younger I used to go over her house all the time. She would tell me stories about growing up here. I've just tried to keep it out of my mind. I didn't really talk about it too much tonight. I actually have tried not to think about it, because when I do I just start crying. You see, she's been in a nursing home for the last year and I haven't gotten to see her. It breaks my heart that I just let her go and didn't visit or anything. I feel so horrible. I wanted to go to Jon's tonight after PLR, but he didn't want me to come over. I just don't want to be alone right now. If I wasn't alone, I wouldn't be thinking about it, and I wouldn't be crying. But instead, I'm here, thinking about my grandma, my lack of faith, my faults, and everything else that's wrong with my life. I just hate it. What am I going to do when I move out? When I'm always alone? I'm scared. Nights like tonight scare me. They make me think that it's going to be like this all of the time once I move to my own apartment. I know that "God will be with me", because that's what I'm told, but what about right this second? I feel so alone, and I'm in so much pain. I just want someone to call, to talk about the weather or the color of the sky. Anything to take my mind off of everything else. I want someone to hug, someone to hold, someone to tell me it's all okay. It doesn't feel okay, nothing feels okay. Why can't I just trust God? Why can't He just be enough for me? I feel like such a horrible person because it seems like He's not, like I need more. And here I am, sitting in my room at 11 o'clock, crying my eyes out and feeling so alone. I can't even shift my stupid thoughts to the amazing things that God has done for me, I try, then I run right back to the thoughts of ".... but look at this, look at how I feel, look at how lonely I am". I can be so incredibly selfish. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I'd drive a hundred miles to be held by someone for just five minutes. I hate being in this much pain. I am gonna go now. I just want to talk to my Jesus. Pray for me.


Meliss

• Even if you feel like giving up, He won't.

• Exodus 14:13: Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the LORD rescue you.