Regression

Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself. It's like I'm doing good for a couple of days or even weeks, and then all of a sudden I go back to the way I was. I'm depressed and I'm just regressing into the person I used to be. I feel like I'm going backwards instead of growing. I wonder if everyone feels like that sometimes... They probably do. I dunno. It's like I read the words I wrote just a week or so ago and they don't even apply right now. I feel stagnant and stale in my relationship with God. Everything for Purple Like Reggae seems to be halted. I feel like I'm just a burden and bother to most everyone. I got in a huge fight with my brother today. I don't even know that I would call it a fight. We never talk anyway. I wanted to take my nephew out for his birthday. But apparently it's not an option. Not only that, but I asked him why he never talks to me and he gives me this bs of "I don't like the way you talk my mother". Whatever. That's not the reason. If it is, then why does the rest of the family talk to me. And what the hell do I do anyway? Yeah, we fight. But so what? I mean yeah, I wish that I reacted better to the situations I get in with her, but I don't. It's hard to be like "okay even though you are telling me I suck at life and will never amount to anything, I'm gonna sit here and be totally okay with it". NO. I'm not. I'm gonna yell, that's my nature. Its how they raised me. It's not like I go up to my mother and just start yelling at her and calling her names. I mean if I ever yell, it's because she's yelling too. But none the less, that's between me and mom. The real reason is, is that his wife hates me and would rather see the kids hang out with an ex-con than to spend the afternoon with me. I guess I should just let it go, but God does it piss me off. What the hell am I asking for? Just a relationship with my brother and his kids. I don't think that that's unreasonable. I'm just sick of all of it. So now, of course, my mother is yelling at me. Her son is the angel, perfect in all ways, just like her. And me, her daughter? I'm a sinful and horrid girl, who is going to burn in Hell for the things that I do and believe. All the while I just want to show God's love to the world and can't even grip enough to show it to my family. I really do suck! Arg. I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel alone. And tired. And hurt. God I feel so hurt. After I hung up the phone with my brother, I cried for a solid hour. I want to be over it, just let it go. "Let sleeping dogs lie" as I told my brother I should have done. I'm stupid for drudging things up with us. I should have just let it alone. I should have just told Josh that there's no way that we could be close because his mother and father hate me. I would give anything to have a good relationship with him. And you know what sucks? There are so many people out there who have what I'd give anything for and they just take advantage of it. I envy Heather so much. She can call up her sister and talk to her for hours. She lives with her brother. She can drive over to her sister's house, pick up her neice and nephew and just take them out to the movies. I dunno. I've gotta let it go. Like everything else in life, I just can't have the things I want the most. And I need to learn to let them go. I don't really have anything else to write. I'm gonna go for now.


Spears