Vacation and Realization

Well I got back from Grand Haven this morning. I had an amazing trip and God and I really got to talk a ton. We hit this awesome level in our relationship where we have never been before. It's been mind blowing. Realism of life and what things are really about hit me smack in the face. I've been shown so many things and God is really trying to get me to trust him. I literally made it home on fumes. Lol... I had no money on me (I left some at home) and I was on E... 3 miles till empty when I pulled up to my house. Took all of that gas just to restart my car to head to the gas station. Made it there and put 20 bucks in (just an fyi for anyone reading... gas prices are outrageous!!) and everything was good. Came home to get the mail... I definitely am not a math major because I over wrote my checking account before I left and didn't know it. I am now, with fees and such, MAJORLY in debt to my bank. But I have to go and try to clear that up after work tomorrow afternoon. I have, however, decided that I need to start giving God what is his and trust him with my finances... That means tithing!!! I am so bad at it, but I am really going to start because I know that not only is it the right thing to do, but I really want to do it. I also am going on a Mission Trip with Watermark.... and guess where?!?! New York City!!!! For a WHOLE week!!!! I'm frickin excited!!! It's the second week of July. Oh and I'm registered for classes. I start June 27th (I know I'm going to be missing 6 hours of class when we go to NYC, but that's such a once and a life time trip, I gotta go)... yeah a summer class. I'm really excited about that one!!! It's History and it should be really cool. Speaking of cool, I just want everyone to know that Wally and Sarah Harrison are the most AWESOME people on the planet. I absolutely ADORE Sarah... she's one of the nicest, sweetest, honest, caring, just all around greatest people I've ever had the privilege to meet, even though she's not much older than me, I look up to her so much. And Wally... he's so awesome, he's really just one of those people I could talk to about God for HOURS, he has such amazing insight and just an awesome outlook on it all. He's got such an awesome heart and it's so evident that he's chasing hard after Jesus. And I really like Nate too. He's so great. I went to the hub b4 Wally and Sarah got back on Sunday and he really just made me feel like I was right at home. Everyone did really. But I just really like Nate and his wife. Hanging out with the four of them after Cession (Watermark's youth ministry) on Sunday was just so amazing. I am so happy that I'm going to be moving there. God is just so awesome. And on that note... I'm off for the night... stuff to do, then hittin the hay...


Meliss

Lonely

It's been a while, but here's just a blog on how I'm feelin tonight. We had Purple Like Raggae tonight. I thought it went well. I love that the group is so talkative and into discussion. I really like the fact that we can all give our opinions. Rach came tonight. I really love that girl. (Kathy's the reason I'm back on the blogger, I had to reset my password and everything so I could use it). Rach asked me to go with her on a mission trip to Ireland next summer. How awesome is that? I'm so excited. God really does keep all His promises and when He calls you to do something, He means it. Even if you feel like giving up, He won't. That last sentence was actually really profound to me. I feel so much like giving up. I'm hurting so much and everything seems so hard right now. But somehow I know that God is going to bring me through all this. He's going to get glory from what He does with my life. And He's going to do something big with it. He's going to impact the world, and He's going to use me. My heart is focused on the wrong things and as hard as I've tried to change it's focus, it shifts right back to where it was before. Even as I write these words, wishing I wouldn't be this way, my mind is somewhere else focused on the things I'm going through right now. Arg! I feel so alone. My neighbor died today. I called her grandma, and when I was younger I used to go over her house all the time. She would tell me stories about growing up here. I've just tried to keep it out of my mind. I didn't really talk about it too much tonight. I actually have tried not to think about it, because when I do I just start crying. You see, she's been in a nursing home for the last year and I haven't gotten to see her. It breaks my heart that I just let her go and didn't visit or anything. I feel so horrible. I wanted to go to Jon's tonight after PLR, but he didn't want me to come over. I just don't want to be alone right now. If I wasn't alone, I wouldn't be thinking about it, and I wouldn't be crying. But instead, I'm here, thinking about my grandma, my lack of faith, my faults, and everything else that's wrong with my life. I just hate it. What am I going to do when I move out? When I'm always alone? I'm scared. Nights like tonight scare me. They make me think that it's going to be like this all of the time once I move to my own apartment. I know that "God will be with me", because that's what I'm told, but what about right this second? I feel so alone, and I'm in so much pain. I just want someone to call, to talk about the weather or the color of the sky. Anything to take my mind off of everything else. I want someone to hug, someone to hold, someone to tell me it's all okay. It doesn't feel okay, nothing feels okay. Why can't I just trust God? Why can't He just be enough for me? I feel like such a horrible person because it seems like He's not, like I need more. And here I am, sitting in my room at 11 o'clock, crying my eyes out and feeling so alone. I can't even shift my stupid thoughts to the amazing things that God has done for me, I try, then I run right back to the thoughts of ".... but look at this, look at how I feel, look at how lonely I am". I can be so incredibly selfish. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I'd drive a hundred miles to be held by someone for just five minutes. I hate being in this much pain. I am gonna go now. I just want to talk to my Jesus. Pray for me.


Meliss

• Even if you feel like giving up, He won't.

• Exodus 14:13: Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the LORD rescue you.