So I have about a million thoughts running around in my head. Everything seems to always come at you at once. My head is spinning, it starts with God and hits about every single topic that you could think of ending with general life stuff. I have so many questions. Is that the stage you're supposed to be at at my age? Why is it then, that I look around and see so many others who seem so much like they have everything together. I feel like such a slacker, in pretty much every part of my life. I guess the question at hand is "where do I go from here?" I mean really, am I headed where I'm supposed to be? Am I even headed any where at all? And if I am can some one please tell me where that is? I don't know. I want to say that I know what it is I want out of life, but am I really striving for that? Am I really who God is calling me to be, not for the future, but for now? Is this what I am supposed to be doing? It seems like I have failed at everything. I guess though, that that is God's biggest miracle. He can take a screw up like me and use me anyway.
Oddly enough, I was pondering the thought of love on the way home tonight. No, I'm not in love with a boy or anything like that, but the thought of love in general. It actually started by me dropping the f-bomb for some reason or another (yes, I talk to myself alone in the car). Anyway, that actually got me thinking of my cousin Josh who passed away a few years ago. He was in his early 20's and he and his uncle, who was a year older (I come from the south, our families are oddly structured) were driving home while stoned out of their minds. His uncle was driving and they came around the curve of a mountian and hit another car. His uncle lived, but Josh, after being on life support for a little less then a week died. When I went to his funeral, a group of Christians were talking about how he must have went to hell because the last word out of his mouth was the f-bomb. Okay now that you see why all of that reminded me of Josh, let me get to what I was thinking about love for. Okay, I know that Josh wasn't a Christian, not because of the f-bomb of course, but because of who he was. I didn't know him well, but what I did know of him was that he never claimed to live for Christ and that was his decision. So, Josh didn't go to Heaven to be with Christ. His mom, still to this day believes he had to have. Because she loved him. Human love is really selfish when you sit and think about it (as I have been doing for the last hour or so). Even in the "Christian context". We want those we love to go to heaven so we can see them again someday. But is that what we should really be about? Just "getting souls saved" so that one day we be with them again. This is a really hard thing to grasp for me though.
The closest person in the world to me is my cousin Heather. I love her so much and we are closer than sisters could ever be. She is not a Christian. But what has gotten into my head tonight is that my heart cannot break because when we die we may never see each other again, but that it must break my heart that she is not playing her role in God's story. I want so desperatly for us to be with each other forever, but what I need to be doing is living out who God has for me to be, so that she will see that and not just want to go to heaven, but want to have a relationship with this amazing God that has a desire to change me into who it is He has made me to be. But I'll tell you, it's still the hardest thing to swallow.
"What is revealed in me, if I think about that too much, is my own idolatry, that I would say, “I love her over Your will and over Your plan and over Your glory.”" -Matt Chandler
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5 comments:
To your first questions....my suggestion is this....quiet yourself and be still...listen...because God will answer every one of those questions...but just get quiet and wait. (Hmmmmm a chance to practice what you heard in church on Sunday!)
Oh, and you will fall in love w/ Christ all the harder while you are at it! (Mom Mc)
I disagree with you. I think a God thats awesome and powerful would give everyone a chance to change their minds upon death. And if not....is such a God worthy of my worship? Am I arrogant? Yeah I guess. But I am just not willing to submit to the fact that some people dont get to go to Heaven because they didnt buy into something soon enough. This whole idea bothers me.
Sara, something to think about. Could you really worship a God that was subject to you or to me...to our opinions and will? (kaymac)
Oh Sara,
Why should God give anyone a second chance when they die? He owes us absolutely nothing. unless you know something I dont. Kind of defeates the purpose of the Cross, doesnt it? The best most of us can offer Him is pride, deceit, lies, coveting, disrespect, lack of love, selfishness, pain, promiscuity, idolatry, false Gods and hate. Even the biggest moron would choose Christ when confronted at death with Heaven or eternal Hell. Faith would no longer play a role. A powerful and just God does not change his rules to bend for the created. The fact is people go to hell. More so than go to Heaven probably. He has set his rules and guide lines. Its not up to you to buy into it. Its about submiting to Him and repenting of our prideful nature. The difference is you feel bad for people who go to Hell, and although tragic, it is Gods just punishment. Would you cry for a child rapist that goes to prison? All sin is the same for God no matter what hierarchy we put on it with earthly laws. To God it is all the same.
M.S. Great blog. my first visit. listen to Kathy that lady is Unleashed! (inside joke) But Seriously... She knows what she speaks of. Later all, Dave Todd
I just read your "Talking to Aaron Edwards" blog. Very funny. I wish you would have been more informative on how the conversation unfolded and what was discussed. I likes me some theology snackin!
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