Life or something like it

I've been in such a weird state the last week or so. I started my new job, which I actually like a lot. Um, I've been in such an interesting mood... I can't really discribe it. I'm not depressed anymore. I think it may actually be happiness... I'm trying to be patient on the promises God has given me. As I have recently found out, I am not a patient person. I am however so happy with my friends right now. I love them so much. They really make me see the blessings God will give me if I wait for Him. I love all of them so much. I know I said that already, but I don't think that I can stress it enough. They are so amazing. What would I do without them? They show God's love to me every day. I know that I'm still kinda like "Well hey God, where's this boyfriend of mine" sometimes, but NO WHERE near as much as I was before. It has grown much easier to see my friends happy and still be alone for now. Like Mel and Dave. I am so incredibly happy for them. I'm glad that they are together and really care so much for one another. I am so excited for Danielle and Aaron's wedding. I'm happy for Brynne and Adam. I mean, yeah it's kinda lonely when I see em all cuddly and stuff, but now I just rest secure in my heart that my "husband to be" is out there waiting for me just the same. That's such an awesome thought. I dunno, to me anyway. Like I'm sitting here thinking that I wish that we could find each other and he is somewhere else in this same world, thinking the same thing. That's the coolest thought to me. It's not like he doesn't exsist. He's really out there. We just have to let God change us into the people we need to be for each other before He can put us together. And I know he's gonna be worth the wait. Every time those thoughts of loneliness creep up in the old noggin (Fyi: Anchorman quote) I just think of that and they leave. It's really amazing. And let me tell you what... The movie Elizabethtown is SOOO awesome. I want a romance like that. Where we meet and we just click, talk on the phone till the sun rises :) Aww... I'm such a hopeless romantic. :) I'm alright with that though. Anyway... back to more important stuff. God is really moving in me. It's so awesome. I feel so different inside. It's really cool. And sometimes I start to revert back to my old ways of thinking and doing and such and He just calmly reminds me of the track I'm supposed to be running on. It's cool that He's kind of I dunno, given me some wisdom. I really want to find out my work scedule soon so that we can plan "Purple Like Reggae". Speaking of work I better go... I'll be late if I don't because I still have to stop and get gas.


Spears

The Search Continues

So I'm trying to figure out where it is that I want to go from here. I want to go to college. I think I know what I want to go for. I just don't know what college and when to start. Should I go to Eastern and start in the fall? Should I go to Henry Ford and start in the summer? Or should I go to Wayne County for a while just to take some fun classes? I really want to work toward getting out of college by the time I'm at least 24, it'd be cooler if it were sooner, but hey. I want to go to Cornerstone and live on campus, but it costs so much and it seems like it will be hard to make the move. I know I probably should though. But I could just stay here and go to Eastern with Mel. I'm just praying so hard for direction. I'm also praying that I can get this stuff with my credit cleared up. Well I guess that's really all I've got for now, gonna go make some updates on my myspace...

In His Hands,
Spears

Life Moves On

So Jon and I had "the talk" on Sunday night. It went really well. He didn't say much. I did a lot of yelling. I really just got everything off of my chest. I told him that I didn't want things to be sugar coated and I just wanted us to be honest with each other from here on out. Things that had been harboring inside of me for a long while. It's nice that it's finally over. I think our friendship is going to benifit immensely with the change in status. He was really cool about all of it and let me get a ton of things off my chest, not just about us, but about life in general for me. That's how I know he's really a true friend. I told him to f-off and he still sat and listened to me. I am thankful for his friendship, and I'm glad that I finally know that we're never going to be together. I told him that and he agreed that it was a good idea. I thought it would hurt more. It was like closure, a chance to move on with life. I feel so much better about things. Last night I went to his house to hang out and we ended up talking about our relationships with other people. He told me about a girl he was liking. I thought before that it would be a big issue because it would be really hard to hear. It wasn't at all actually. We're not going to end up together, so yeah, he's going to date and marry another girl. Before that statement would have made me cry, now it actually makes me smile. I have a chance to start focusing on God. I love God so much. He really takes care of me.

Right now I'm listening to Watermark's last gathering on iTunes on my computer. It's cool that I can still hear the service even on the other side of the state. I really want to move over there. I want to get out of the Downriver, but I just don't think it's going to happen. I have to trust in God though. I know that He is going to continue to take care of me. He's really been showing up in amazing ways in my life. I know that I really need to start working hard on my relationship with Him. He is so important, I know now I can't sit Him on the back burner of my life. Pray for me. Pray I will be what God is calling me to be. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I think of all the things I know I should be striving toward for God and I, for lack of a better word, am being a slacker. I know that He wants to turn me into who He sees when He looks at me, but I'm selfish and I won't let Him. He really has started to change my heart and I want that to begin to show on the outside now. Well I'm gonna get some sleep, I've also got some stuff to get done.


Spears

A little bit about me

Well I guess this will be the blog entry to tell about myself. I was born and raised here in Wyandotte. A small city on the outskirts of Detroit. My cousin Heather and I grew up inseparable and we are still pretty close. I was the typical good girl until about the 6th grade or so. I started doing drugs when I got to middle school. The whole "wrong crowd" deal. I've had and lost many friends along the way in life. People can be really mean. I ran away from home in the ninth grade. I really was just empty inside. Sometimes I still feel that way. Like running away could take away some of the pain that I feel. I know that it won't, but sometimes it seems like it may. My parents thought it would be a great idea to force me to go to church. I resented them a lot. Not only that, I really didn't even think that God exsisted. I started dating a boy named Jon in 10th grade. I met him at the church we were going to. We made a lot of mistakes. We broke up about a year and a half later. I was still in love with him, but I knew then that he wasn't really who I was supposed to be with. At the end of our relationship I accepted Jesus into my heart. I felt a love from Him that I felt from no one else. It was as if the whole world didn't want to love me and I was completely alone, and there He was. Arms open, begging me to come to Him. I started immediately looking for another church. One that would help me really understand Jesus, who He was, and what He wanted from me. I'm still on that journey. I felt God leading me to a place called New Hope. I really liked the church and the people, but the penticostal deal just wasn't my thing. I then went to a place called Metro South, there I met my best friend Melissa Capra. I met a lot of great people through Real Life (the youth ministry) and Metro and they are still some of my best friends. I also met a lot of people who really influenced my friendship with God in a positive way. Wally, Sarah, Mike, Sherry, Mrs. Taylor, Penny, Sandy, Chelsie, and Suzy just to name a few of them. During the time I was at Metro, Jon and I had an on again off again friendship. We fought a lot. I really thought I still wanted to be with him, that he was the one God had chosen for me. I guess maybe I'll bring the relationship with Jon up to date before I continue with the rest of the story. Him and I became really good friends. He kept telling me he wanted to be with me one minute and then the next minute he said he didn't really mean that. I've spent the last two years living in the hope that maybe one day he would realize that he really did mean it and I would be something more to him then just some chick. I never have though. Over the last month, things with us just kept getting more complicated. He told me that he didn't want a relationship right now but could see us having one in the future. That he wanted to be with me, but didn't want to pursue me right now because we weren't the people God wanted us to be yet. I was alright with that. It still hurt because I wanted to be with him, but it was alright because I believed that it would happen one day. Then just last night, he said that he had met someone for the first time that he really did want to actively pursue. That he never really pursued me, that I'd basically been easy to get with from the start. So what he was saying was that he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to come right out and say it either. I feel like he really just led me on. I finally can say that I know he's not the one. There is no maybe anymore. It's really true. It hurts to come to a realization like that, but I'm glad that I could finally do it. Its going to be hard guarding my heart from falling in love with him, but I know that that is what needs to be done. I can't be with him. He's hurt me too much. Well now that the Jon rant is out of the way.... I don't like what Metro has become, nor Real Life. So I'm looking for a new home. A few of us started a Bible study called Purple Like Reggae. We have only had one meeting so far, and we've got to set up a time and day for it, but it is truely a God sent idea. We are going to be reading through the Gospels together and doing service projects like visiting Nursing Homes and volunteering at soup kitchens. I know that I'm not where I need to be in my relationship with God, but I want Him to help me get there. It will take time and lots of work, but I'm willing to do it. I want to show the world that Jesus isn't some guy trying to condemn you to burn in Hell, but a man who loves you and wants to be a part of your life. He wants to show that love to others through me, and I want to let Him. Well, that's all for now... I have to get up and get ready for a wedding tomorrow, so I'm gonna hit the hay...

Spearmint