Well, here I am. Home on the other side of the state. Well as I type I'm actually at Panera. It's nice here though, a little jazz music and people chatting in the background. The smell of fresh food being made. Actually it makes me a little hungry. Lol. Anyway, I'm really liking it here. I'm staying with Wally and Sarah Harrison in case you're reading this and didn't already know. They are literally two of the greatest people ever. I got here on Monday night and went with Wally to go to the Condo where they were staying (they were watching someone's grandson for the week... yep that's right, believe it or not I had the house all to myself. What awesome people just let someone live in their house while they're gone?!?) anyway and after dinner as I was leaving to go back to the house, Wally said "Hey Mel... welcome home." I walked out the door and just started crying. That made me feel so amazing and so seriously welcomed that I just couldn't take it. I called Jon and just had to tell him how awesome Wally and Sarah are. And they both have just made me feel so much like I'm wanted here that it's incredible. It's made me feel so much better everytime I've started to get homesick. I'm so thankful for them. Nate and Jen are also really amazing people. I definately see a resemblance between Nate and Wally. And Jen is just so sweet. Another thing here that I just find absoluely amazing is the church and youth ministry. Yesterday, I met up at the hub (it's the building that Watermark staff's offices are in, also where the highschool ministry meets and there's a prayer room there where anyone can go in and pray) at noon and went with the Jr. High ministry (and one of the highschoolers), to collect cans in a neighborhood and then we went to Wesco with the cash we got from returning them and just paid for people's gas. It was such an awesome experience and it was so amazing to see how into it the kids were. I took a group of girls out in the neighborhood and it really made me realize how much I miss doing youth ministry. I thought before that I'd like to be a part of it when I got here. Now I realize that God is calling me to make working with youth a VERY big part of my life. I don't know where He wants me to go from here, but I definatly feel led to do something. I am going to Moto's hangout tonight from six to eight, that is if I can catch a ride with Wally because my car is SUPER low on oil and I don't have any money to get more until tomorrow, so I shouldn't really drive it anywhere. I probably shouldn't have even came to Panera. Jon, Kat, Josh and Brandon are coming to visit me tomorrow!!! I can't wait to see all of them. I really miss my friends. Well on that note, I think I'm gonna get outta here...
Later,
Spearsy
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Love and Lust and other stuff
"Lust means 'I must have it at once, and I don't care what the consequences are.'* It may be a low, animal lust, or it may be a mental lust, or a moral or spiritual lust; but it is a characteristic that does not belong to the life hid with Christ in God. Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly."--Oswald Chambers.
Last night I was sitting around and wondering what was the difference between love and lust. I was thinking about love and forgiveness and why sometimes it's just so hard to show those things. I was wondering if I needed to really do what it is I thought I must do. I was going to just update my blog without checking everyones cuz I've got a lot to do today, but then I thought, you know I'll just check to see if anyone else has updated. I found this quote on Momma Kathy's blog and it really answers my questions. I think my favorite line is what it says about love. 'Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly." In our fast-food society, where we are so impatient we wait for nothing, this thought is just mind blowing. Love can wait forever. It makes me question myself. Can I really wait forever? Can I love that way? I'm going through a couple of situations where this applies. I guess I could talk about them....
The first one has to do with my brother... him and I used to be so incredibly close. He was my big brother, I looked up to him SO much... and then he got married.His wife couldn't stand me. She was so mean and just found things everyday to hurt my feelings. Then... they got a divorce. I know as mean as it sounds... I was so happy. During the time that they were married, my brother wasn't aloud to spend time with me and so I never really saw him anymore. They divorced and BAM! I got my big brother back. We had so many good times together after that. We had that big bro/kid sister relationship that every little girl wants. At that time, I knew he loved me. I knew he thought the world of his little sister. Then, when I started forth grade, the most wonderful thing happened. We got to see his son for the first time since the divorce. We met them at the mall. Yeah, he even took me with him to meet Josh. The last, best memory I have with my brother was on the way to the mall. We were in his truck and we were listening to Alanis Morresette (Like usual) and he said "I'm so nervous. What if he doesn't like me?" And I looked over at him and I thought to myself: Not like you? Who could not like you? You are the most awesome brother ever and you're so cool! So I told him "Don't worry bubby, that's not possible" And I meant every word. I looked back into the sideview mirror and just remember being so happy to be there. Then, later that same year something else happened... My brother came to pick me up from school one day. We were walking across the street to his truck and he said "Melissa you know I love you right?" And I said "Oh crap. What did you do?" He was acting really strange. We walked into the house and him and I both went into mom's bedroom where she was folding clothes. "Mom. Melissa. I went to the justice of the peace today and Angela and I got married." That's the last real memory I have of my brother. We haven't gotten along since. Now six more children (yeah you read right, he's got 7 kids) and 10 years later, we barely know more about the other than our names. I've tried so many times to make ammends for the things I've done wrong (I know it's not only him), I've asked him to come out to dinner with me, just to go to a movie or get coffee. He's told me no every time. He's said "I've got a family now and I don't have time for you" he's said he doesn't want to fix things with us. He says he just doesn't want to. Writing these things is just breaking my heart. It's the hardest thing for the little sister inside of me to really believe. I want to believe that my brother really does care about me. I've cried to him and told him that I just want to be his friend and he's shown no emotion and told me that it really wasn't possible. So I guess that brings us to why this has to do with Love and Forgiveness. God impressed it upon my heart that I can't just be done like I want to be. He said to me that I must continue to show love to my brother, that I must push past whatever it is that he's done to me and I must humbly show my love for him. I must continue to try to fix things, even if there's never any result. If it means for the rest of my life I'm calling him and saying, lets go out to dinner and catch up and he always says no... I need to just continue to do it. That also means... I need to tell Angel I love her, and I need to mean it. This has nothing to do with me, believe me, but it is CHRIST in me. HE will love these people through me, despite me, because HE is amazing and full of grace. I give HIM the glory and I do nothing of my own accord, because if I had anything to do with anything in my life (as shown) I'd screw it up. Please just pray for me, pray I will continually step aside and let Christ do a work IN and THROUGH me. Pray that I can let God do this, because they are here now and I am just sitting in my room, avoiding it. Just pray for me please.
The other thing I'm struggling with is being single. I know that is selfish and I must trust God and His timing. I want to live with a love like this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8~Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.
I want that to be the love I have in my heart. Please just keep me in your prayers. Lifes a struggle, for sure. But I feel God take things from me everyday. He takes away parts of me that are selfish and sinful and replaces them with parts that are who He has made me to be. He's forming me into the woman I am meant to be.
Another thing that I find really awesome....
Isaiah 62:2~The nations will see your righteousness. Kings will be blinded by your glory. And the LORD will give you a new name. The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God,for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own. Your children will care for you with joy, O Jerusalem, just as a young man cares for his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.
Just wanted to share that. I think it's so awesome. Well now that I've written more than anyone will probably read... I'm off to do a bunch of stuff...
Spears
Last night I was sitting around and wondering what was the difference between love and lust. I was thinking about love and forgiveness and why sometimes it's just so hard to show those things. I was wondering if I needed to really do what it is I thought I must do. I was going to just update my blog without checking everyones cuz I've got a lot to do today, but then I thought, you know I'll just check to see if anyone else has updated. I found this quote on Momma Kathy's blog and it really answers my questions. I think my favorite line is what it says about love. 'Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly." In our fast-food society, where we are so impatient we wait for nothing, this thought is just mind blowing. Love can wait forever. It makes me question myself. Can I really wait forever? Can I love that way? I'm going through a couple of situations where this applies. I guess I could talk about them....
The first one has to do with my brother... him and I used to be so incredibly close. He was my big brother, I looked up to him SO much... and then he got married.His wife couldn't stand me. She was so mean and just found things everyday to hurt my feelings. Then... they got a divorce. I know as mean as it sounds... I was so happy. During the time that they were married, my brother wasn't aloud to spend time with me and so I never really saw him anymore. They divorced and BAM! I got my big brother back. We had so many good times together after that. We had that big bro/kid sister relationship that every little girl wants. At that time, I knew he loved me. I knew he thought the world of his little sister. Then, when I started forth grade, the most wonderful thing happened. We got to see his son for the first time since the divorce. We met them at the mall. Yeah, he even took me with him to meet Josh. The last, best memory I have with my brother was on the way to the mall. We were in his truck and we were listening to Alanis Morresette (Like usual) and he said "I'm so nervous. What if he doesn't like me?" And I looked over at him and I thought to myself: Not like you? Who could not like you? You are the most awesome brother ever and you're so cool! So I told him "Don't worry bubby, that's not possible" And I meant every word. I looked back into the sideview mirror and just remember being so happy to be there. Then, later that same year something else happened... My brother came to pick me up from school one day. We were walking across the street to his truck and he said "Melissa you know I love you right?" And I said "Oh crap. What did you do?" He was acting really strange. We walked into the house and him and I both went into mom's bedroom where she was folding clothes. "Mom. Melissa. I went to the justice of the peace today and Angela and I got married." That's the last real memory I have of my brother. We haven't gotten along since. Now six more children (yeah you read right, he's got 7 kids) and 10 years later, we barely know more about the other than our names. I've tried so many times to make ammends for the things I've done wrong (I know it's not only him), I've asked him to come out to dinner with me, just to go to a movie or get coffee. He's told me no every time. He's said "I've got a family now and I don't have time for you" he's said he doesn't want to fix things with us. He says he just doesn't want to. Writing these things is just breaking my heart. It's the hardest thing for the little sister inside of me to really believe. I want to believe that my brother really does care about me. I've cried to him and told him that I just want to be his friend and he's shown no emotion and told me that it really wasn't possible. So I guess that brings us to why this has to do with Love and Forgiveness. God impressed it upon my heart that I can't just be done like I want to be. He said to me that I must continue to show love to my brother, that I must push past whatever it is that he's done to me and I must humbly show my love for him. I must continue to try to fix things, even if there's never any result. If it means for the rest of my life I'm calling him and saying, lets go out to dinner and catch up and he always says no... I need to just continue to do it. That also means... I need to tell Angel I love her, and I need to mean it. This has nothing to do with me, believe me, but it is CHRIST in me. HE will love these people through me, despite me, because HE is amazing and full of grace. I give HIM the glory and I do nothing of my own accord, because if I had anything to do with anything in my life (as shown) I'd screw it up. Please just pray for me, pray I will continually step aside and let Christ do a work IN and THROUGH me. Pray that I can let God do this, because they are here now and I am just sitting in my room, avoiding it. Just pray for me please.
The other thing I'm struggling with is being single. I know that is selfish and I must trust God and His timing. I want to live with a love like this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8~Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.
I want that to be the love I have in my heart. Please just keep me in your prayers. Lifes a struggle, for sure. But I feel God take things from me everyday. He takes away parts of me that are selfish and sinful and replaces them with parts that are who He has made me to be. He's forming me into the woman I am meant to be.
Another thing that I find really awesome....
Isaiah 62:2~The nations will see your righteousness. Kings will be blinded by your glory. And the LORD will give you a new name. The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God,for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own. Your children will care for you with joy, O Jerusalem, just as a young man cares for his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.
Just wanted to share that. I think it's so awesome. Well now that I've written more than anyone will probably read... I'm off to do a bunch of stuff...
Spears
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Beginning of a Journey
I'm leaving in less than a week and a half. I'm starting down a road that I know will lead me to the places I need to be in life. Moving out, not just out, but away. It hard letting go. It's hard moving on. God is really doing a lot inside of me though. It's weird to think that it's comming up so soon. Like in two weeks from this very moment I will be sitting on the other side of the state, not for just a few days vacation, but I'll be there living... and I'll never be back to live in the downriver again. It's weird. Thoughts like those make me appreciate this place just a little more. I hung out with Lizzy yesterday, her and I talked about her coming to Grand Haven and getting an apartment and going to college with me at Grand Valley State. It's a really awesome idea and it actually sounds feasable. Kat is talking about moving out there too. If we got a two bedroom apartment for like 600 bucks or so, it would only be 200 bucks in rent a month... How INSANELY cheap. That would be amazing. Kat's leaving to pick up her mom from Vegas soon... which means she won't be here for the time I have left. That really sucks. I'm gonna miss her. We've gotten to be so close these last few weeks. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her. It's so weird to think I won't be able to just call her and hang out. It's weird to think that about all my friends. And I just want to put in here that I love Jt. He's so great. I hope we still talk like we do now after I move. He definately helps me to look at things with a level head. I thank him for that. Jon left. It was hard to see him go, but you know I'm starting to realize that was for a reason too. Even though I'm only realizing that in the very back of my mind. Things are moving very quickly, I have 5 days left at Bally's. That's so sad to me. I love that place. Sometimes it sucks, but I'm gonna miss it so badly. I'm going to miss my family a lot too. It's gonna be hard, but it's what I need to do. Well I think that's all for this post... Later...
Spearsy
Spearsy
Thursday, June 1, 2006
Well as another week passes, I draw closer
Well as another week passes, and I draw closer to the time I leave, I'm starting to really have mixed emotions. All in all though, they are comming out to be positive. I am in love with a God I know will take care of me. I know that it's for the best that I go, no matter what it is that I want to stay for. I love my friends and I'll miss them, but Kathy's right I won't be THAT far away. I'm excited for the adventure. I'm so ready to move into this new time in my life. It's going to be a blast living with the Harrisons for the summer. Two people who I absolutely adore. It will be nice to have a fresh start and a change of... well... everything. It will be awesome to be apart of a community of believers who have the same vision. People who are striving to be what Christ has called them to be. To me that's so awesome. I am scared to leave all of the things that I know but yet I'm so excited... I can't wait.
On the home front... things with the 'rents are pretty much rediculas. Not so much with my dad but my mom. She's looking for reasons to yell at me and that sucks. I wish things would just level off for the last 3 weeks that I'm here. I know that won't, but I figure I'll just stay out of their way, then they won't see me to yell.
On the personal front.... God and I are doing really good. I'm learing so much about His love for me. I am reading this book called Captivating, and last night I was reading this chapter about God as our romancer. It was beautiful. I am learning that I am beautiful. It's a hard lesson and I'm learning it slowly, but that's what God has been showing me. I am more beautiful than a star filled sky on a warm summer night. More beautiful than the ocean... These are hard ideas to grasp, because when I think of beauty, I think of these things... I surely don't think of me. But when God thinks beauty... He thinks of me. He thinks I am beautiful. Wow, what a thought. God is really changing my heart, just like I asked Him to do. How awesome is that? Well I just wanted to get that out... I'm off for now....
Spears
On the home front... things with the 'rents are pretty much rediculas. Not so much with my dad but my mom. She's looking for reasons to yell at me and that sucks. I wish things would just level off for the last 3 weeks that I'm here. I know that won't, but I figure I'll just stay out of their way, then they won't see me to yell.
On the personal front.... God and I are doing really good. I'm learing so much about His love for me. I am reading this book called Captivating, and last night I was reading this chapter about God as our romancer. It was beautiful. I am learning that I am beautiful. It's a hard lesson and I'm learning it slowly, but that's what God has been showing me. I am more beautiful than a star filled sky on a warm summer night. More beautiful than the ocean... These are hard ideas to grasp, because when I think of beauty, I think of these things... I surely don't think of me. But when God thinks beauty... He thinks of me. He thinks I am beautiful. Wow, what a thought. God is really changing my heart, just like I asked Him to do. How awesome is that? Well I just wanted to get that out... I'm off for now....
Spears
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