So I have about a million thoughts running around in my head. Everything seems to always come at you at once. My head is spinning, it starts with God and hits about every single topic that you could think of ending with general life stuff. I have so many questions. Is that the stage you're supposed to be at at my age? Why is it then, that I look around and see so many others who seem so much like they have everything together. I feel like such a slacker, in pretty much every part of my life. I guess the question at hand is "where do I go from here?" I mean really, am I headed where I'm supposed to be? Am I even headed any where at all? And if I am can some one please tell me where that is? I don't know. I want to say that I know what it is I want out of life, but am I really striving for that? Am I really who God is calling me to be, not for the future, but for now? Is this what I am supposed to be doing? It seems like I have failed at everything. I guess though, that that is God's biggest miracle. He can take a screw up like me and use me anyway.
Oddly enough, I was pondering the thought of love on the way home tonight. No, I'm not in love with a boy or anything like that, but the thought of love in general. It actually started by me dropping the f-bomb for some reason or another (yes, I talk to myself alone in the car). Anyway, that actually got me thinking of my cousin Josh who passed away a few years ago. He was in his early 20's and he and his uncle, who was a year older (I come from the south, our families are oddly structured) were driving home while stoned out of their minds. His uncle was driving and they came around the curve of a mountian and hit another car. His uncle lived, but Josh, after being on life support for a little less then a week died. When I went to his funeral, a group of Christians were talking about how he must have went to hell because the last word out of his mouth was the f-bomb. Okay now that you see why all of that reminded me of Josh, let me get to what I was thinking about love for. Okay, I know that Josh wasn't a Christian, not because of the f-bomb of course, but because of who he was. I didn't know him well, but what I did know of him was that he never claimed to live for Christ and that was his decision. So, Josh didn't go to Heaven to be with Christ. His mom, still to this day believes he had to have. Because she loved him. Human love is really selfish when you sit and think about it (as I have been doing for the last hour or so). Even in the "Christian context". We want those we love to go to heaven so we can see them again someday. But is that what we should really be about? Just "getting souls saved" so that one day we be with them again. This is a really hard thing to grasp for me though.
The closest person in the world to me is my cousin Heather. I love her so much and we are closer than sisters could ever be. She is not a Christian. But what has gotten into my head tonight is that my heart cannot break because when we die we may never see each other again, but that it must break my heart that she is not playing her role in God's story. I want so desperatly for us to be with each other forever, but what I need to be doing is living out who God has for me to be, so that she will see that and not just want to go to heaven, but want to have a relationship with this amazing God that has a desire to change me into who it is He has made me to be. But I'll tell you, it's still the hardest thing to swallow.
"What is revealed in me, if I think about that too much, is my own idolatry, that I would say, “I love her over Your will and over Your plan and over Your glory.”" -Matt Chandler
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday, December 4, 2006
Essays about the Scriptures....
Okay, I'm gonna post the two essays I wrote for my Christian Worldview class. I wrote the first one at the beginning of the semester and the second I just finished. Tell me what ya think.... and I guess they're kinda long so if you don't want to read through em that's okay to.... I happen to be a little partial to the second one :) Of course that may be because it reflects my opinions and heart, but you know, hey.... :)
Christ commands us to love. He tells us to love Him, one another, and ourselves. He instructs us to forgive, accept, trust, and to live that love out every day. The story of my life is just me, trying to follow His command to love. I look at these words that are my history as an adopted Jew, and they show me where it is that I come from. They help me to learn from others mistakes. These words show me what love means and the Bible gives me hope that a love like that does exist. It shows me that people have lived it out and still do. There are scriptures that have greatly influenced my life as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us not to fear and that God has a plan for our lives. I used to suffer from depression. The first time I read this verse, it really helped me to put my life into perspective. I had a hard time realizing that God really was going to use me for something. After reading this, something inside of me just clicked and it made sense. God spoke to me with this and it made me look at my life in a whole new way. When going through hard times, I have sometimes doubted that I will ever do anything with my life and I think back to this verse and it just revives my heart and makes me realize that I was created for a purpose and that I have a role in God’s story.
Jeremiah 31:3 has also been a very influential scripture in my life. In addition to depression, I, like many girls growing up in today’s society, suffer from low self-esteem. This verse is God telling me of His love for me. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” This verse really explains that God loves me, and it helps me to see that the world’s standard ultimately doesn’t really mean much. God cares so much for me and He doesn’t see me the way that the world does. When I realize that God really cares about who I am and loves me for all that He has created me to be, I can look at myself and accept me for who am I in Christ.
Romans 8:28 is another verse that has touched my heart. It goes with Jeremiah 29:11, saying that God has a purpose for my life. It helps me to know that God is with me. This scripture helps me to know that know matter what happens in my life, things will turn out good in the end because God is working to fulfill His purpose and not just to make me happy.
I think that the Sermon on the Mount is also very influential in my walk with life as well. These things that are said by Jesus are very different from things that the media tells us are true. This section of Jesus’ teaching is one of the most influential parts of why I want to be a missionary. I don’t believe that when Jesus says to feed the poor he means that figuratively. I believe He wants us to go out into society and get our hands dirty. I believe He wants us to sacrifice, not just our money, but our time and our comfort. These words compel me into action. I cannot just sit idly by and watch children starve and go without a home and without love. I feel that I must work my hardest to see that things like that are stopped. I know that Christ can stop them, but His people must stand united against such things, not just with their mouths, but with their lives.
Christ came to earth as a man to live a life, start a revolution, and redeem and restore a Creation through his death and resurrection. His story has forever impacted and altered the course of my story, because now my story is no longer my own. Now that my life is centered on who He is and the plan that He has for all of us, reading His words I can no longer look at the Bible as a rule book. Christ has laid out the best possible way for us to live and for His plan to be fulfilled. We are not called to be moral people, we are called to be spirit-filled and like this Christ whom is our Messiah.
I think that being shown where it is I come from and what it is Christ wants with my life through the scriptures is what really enlightens the way my story is played out. God’s plan and the fact that I have a role in that really has an influence on the day to day decisions that I make. I have grown so much this semester and one of the most important lessons that I have learned is that the story is not at all about us. When I stepped back and took my eyes off of the mirror and looked at God’s big picture, I saw this story of Divine Redemption. I no longer saw a “Christ that died on the cross to get me out of hell”, I saw a Messiah who died to restore the Creation that He had made back to where it was originally intended to be.
My role in that, as I have started realizing over the last few months, is really very important. Christ chose us, giving us a mission. We are to be a part in that restoration process. There are so many things that, as a Christian, I must be doing. He calls us to live our lives differently than those around us. Not to just sit and say, yeah Christ is great, but to get off our butts and do things like clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and care for the environment. Really digging in the scriptures has changed and shaped me into someone new, someone who is full of a purpose not her own.
We are also being restored in our relationships. There were four distinct types of relationships that were discussed this semester. The first was our relationship with God. I have to say that I think its pretty cool that I can come into His presence any time I want without a middle man. He has given me a new heart, one like His. Even though I continually sin and try to put barriers between us, He forgives me and washes them away. The second relationship was my relationship with me. I have struggled all of my life with low self-esteem and depression. Though it is still a struggle for me, Christ gives me a hope and reassurance that there is something greater, something that I am destined for. The ‘esteem’ that the world tells us to have means nothing because we can now find who we are in Christ. We can be sure that we are wonderful, not just because of who Christ made us to be, but that we have an irreplaceable role in His story that He designed for us. Christ also restores the relationships that we have or can have with others. Marriages and friendships can now build us up in Christ and with His direction, things between people can be restored to its original intention. The final relationship is Christ restoring us to the world we live in, and if we do our part as He has called us to, Christ will restore the Earth through us.
The way I live my life and the choices that I make seem so much more weighted in light of all of that. We as Christians must cling fast to the truth of the gospel, and live in a way that is not about who we are, but in a way that shows who Christ is.
Christ commands us to love. He tells us to love Him, one another, and ourselves. He instructs us to forgive, accept, trust, and to live that love out every day. The story of my life is just me, trying to follow His command to love. I look at these words that are my history as an adopted Jew, and they show me where it is that I come from. They help me to learn from others mistakes. These words show me what love means and the Bible gives me hope that a love like that does exist. It shows me that people have lived it out and still do. There are scriptures that have greatly influenced my life as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us not to fear and that God has a plan for our lives. I used to suffer from depression. The first time I read this verse, it really helped me to put my life into perspective. I had a hard time realizing that God really was going to use me for something. After reading this, something inside of me just clicked and it made sense. God spoke to me with this and it made me look at my life in a whole new way. When going through hard times, I have sometimes doubted that I will ever do anything with my life and I think back to this verse and it just revives my heart and makes me realize that I was created for a purpose and that I have a role in God’s story.
Jeremiah 31:3 has also been a very influential scripture in my life. In addition to depression, I, like many girls growing up in today’s society, suffer from low self-esteem. This verse is God telling me of His love for me. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” This verse really explains that God loves me, and it helps me to see that the world’s standard ultimately doesn’t really mean much. God cares so much for me and He doesn’t see me the way that the world does. When I realize that God really cares about who I am and loves me for all that He has created me to be, I can look at myself and accept me for who am I in Christ.
Romans 8:28 is another verse that has touched my heart. It goes with Jeremiah 29:11, saying that God has a purpose for my life. It helps me to know that God is with me. This scripture helps me to know that know matter what happens in my life, things will turn out good in the end because God is working to fulfill His purpose and not just to make me happy.
I think that the Sermon on the Mount is also very influential in my walk with life as well. These things that are said by Jesus are very different from things that the media tells us are true. This section of Jesus’ teaching is one of the most influential parts of why I want to be a missionary. I don’t believe that when Jesus says to feed the poor he means that figuratively. I believe He wants us to go out into society and get our hands dirty. I believe He wants us to sacrifice, not just our money, but our time and our comfort. These words compel me into action. I cannot just sit idly by and watch children starve and go without a home and without love. I feel that I must work my hardest to see that things like that are stopped. I know that Christ can stop them, but His people must stand united against such things, not just with their mouths, but with their lives.
Christ came to earth as a man to live a life, start a revolution, and redeem and restore a Creation through his death and resurrection. His story has forever impacted and altered the course of my story, because now my story is no longer my own. Now that my life is centered on who He is and the plan that He has for all of us, reading His words I can no longer look at the Bible as a rule book. Christ has laid out the best possible way for us to live and for His plan to be fulfilled. We are not called to be moral people, we are called to be spirit-filled and like this Christ whom is our Messiah.
I think that being shown where it is I come from and what it is Christ wants with my life through the scriptures is what really enlightens the way my story is played out. God’s plan and the fact that I have a role in that really has an influence on the day to day decisions that I make. I have grown so much this semester and one of the most important lessons that I have learned is that the story is not at all about us. When I stepped back and took my eyes off of the mirror and looked at God’s big picture, I saw this story of Divine Redemption. I no longer saw a “Christ that died on the cross to get me out of hell”, I saw a Messiah who died to restore the Creation that He had made back to where it was originally intended to be.
My role in that, as I have started realizing over the last few months, is really very important. Christ chose us, giving us a mission. We are to be a part in that restoration process. There are so many things that, as a Christian, I must be doing. He calls us to live our lives differently than those around us. Not to just sit and say, yeah Christ is great, but to get off our butts and do things like clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and care for the environment. Really digging in the scriptures has changed and shaped me into someone new, someone who is full of a purpose not her own.
We are also being restored in our relationships. There were four distinct types of relationships that were discussed this semester. The first was our relationship with God. I have to say that I think its pretty cool that I can come into His presence any time I want without a middle man. He has given me a new heart, one like His. Even though I continually sin and try to put barriers between us, He forgives me and washes them away. The second relationship was my relationship with me. I have struggled all of my life with low self-esteem and depression. Though it is still a struggle for me, Christ gives me a hope and reassurance that there is something greater, something that I am destined for. The ‘esteem’ that the world tells us to have means nothing because we can now find who we are in Christ. We can be sure that we are wonderful, not just because of who Christ made us to be, but that we have an irreplaceable role in His story that He designed for us. Christ also restores the relationships that we have or can have with others. Marriages and friendships can now build us up in Christ and with His direction, things between people can be restored to its original intention. The final relationship is Christ restoring us to the world we live in, and if we do our part as He has called us to, Christ will restore the Earth through us.
The way I live my life and the choices that I make seem so much more weighted in light of all of that. We as Christians must cling fast to the truth of the gospel, and live in a way that is not about who we are, but in a way that shows who Christ is.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Talkin to Aaron Edwards
So last night I was talking to Aaron, it started as a response to a question I posed in my last blog about free will. Here are a few highlights and things that were talked about that really made me laugh during the conversation in between all of the picking on me for liking Brian McLaren....
But first, the serious recap that actually had to do with the question in my last blog: Aaron believes that Adam and Eve chose to sin, and it wasn't God making them do it. Though I hear Dave Todd has a very different opinion.
And now....
God didn't ordain Aaron to be playing with crumbs.
Aaron's picture can be found next to the word tangent in the dictionary.
We need to buy a Thesaurus to figure out new words for things like Christian and Relevant.
And some funny quotes....
"Does the F-bomb offend you? Because I'm gonna use it."
"Is she the Armenian? Because I can smell 'em, ya know?!"
"Dave Todd is really smart." (-me) "Yeah that's why I said he's got the mind of a philosopher hidden in the body of a bear." (-Aaron) (or just a big scary man (-me)).....
Aaron Edwards is pretty funny, I'm not gonna lie.
But first, the serious recap that actually had to do with the question in my last blog: Aaron believes that Adam and Eve chose to sin, and it wasn't God making them do it. Though I hear Dave Todd has a very different opinion.
And now....
God didn't ordain Aaron to be playing with crumbs.
Aaron's picture can be found next to the word tangent in the dictionary.
We need to buy a Thesaurus to figure out new words for things like Christian and Relevant.
And some funny quotes....
"Does the F-bomb offend you? Because I'm gonna use it."
"Is she the Armenian? Because I can smell 'em, ya know?!"
"Dave Todd is really smart." (-me) "Yeah that's why I said he's got the mind of a philosopher hidden in the body of a bear." (-Aaron) (or just a big scary man (-me)).....
Aaron Edwards is pretty funny, I'm not gonna lie.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
It's been awhile... again....
Well, I tend to forget about this thing pretty frequently. Sorry about that for any of you who actually try and read what's going on in my life. Right now, I'm sitting in the CU library, avoiding homework, as usual. I'm listening to music (Anberlin in fact), updating my blog, and looking to see what book I'm going to be checking out. I have a paper that I have to write for my christian worldview class, it's about how the story of the scripture enlightens my story and how it's helping me to see my role in God's bigger story. It needs to be 2 pages. Makes me think back to Element when Mike talked about us and how we had a part in a much bigger story. I'll probably put something about that in my paper, hope Mike doesn't mind :)...
Anyway in that same class today we had a very interesting discussion. One of my friends, Tiffany (If you could actually pray for her dad and their family, that would be amazing. He was in a horrible motorcycle accident earlier this week. He broke his neck in two places and lost all of his short term memory. I guess he still thinks Tiffany lives at home and that in itself is really hard for Tiff. They don't know if it will ever come back. All that being said...) came up with the question 'Does Eve show free will when she eats the fruit in the garden? Or was that just part of God's plan?' Which leads me to be curious about free will in general.... anybody got any thoughts... :) Love to hear from ya,
Mel
Anyway in that same class today we had a very interesting discussion. One of my friends, Tiffany (If you could actually pray for her dad and their family, that would be amazing. He was in a horrible motorcycle accident earlier this week. He broke his neck in two places and lost all of his short term memory. I guess he still thinks Tiffany lives at home and that in itself is really hard for Tiff. They don't know if it will ever come back. All that being said...) came up with the question 'Does Eve show free will when she eats the fruit in the garden? Or was that just part of God's plan?' Which leads me to be curious about free will in general.... anybody got any thoughts... :) Love to hear from ya,
Mel
Friday, November 10, 2006
So, I'm a jerk and I never update my blog. Sorry about that ya'll. Well life's been rather interesting. Taken quite a few trips home recently. The last of which was because Kitty's mom is really sick. If you're reading this, please pray for her. She's got Cancer, and just had to have surgery to have her gallbladder removed, the reason we're so worried about that is because once cancer hits the air it can spread rather rapidly.
Have to say I'm glad that I did the dorm thing. It's really different. I love my friends from here. They are amazing. Nothing would be the same without them.
Presently watching Divorce Court. I've gotta say, people today really puzzle me. I don't understand why they act so stupid. And the judge says "20 year olds are simple." That we should be "dating around, tryin out different people." Wow really, is that what people think we are supposed to be doing? Interesting.
Dressing up and going out with Sarah tonight, and maybe Alishia. We might be rebels and sneak into see Rachel's play (she's in the Tempest). Anyway. I know this is short and almost pointless, so sorry about that. Gonna try and write more... (I know I keep saying that).
Mel
Have to say I'm glad that I did the dorm thing. It's really different. I love my friends from here. They are amazing. Nothing would be the same without them.
Presently watching Divorce Court. I've gotta say, people today really puzzle me. I don't understand why they act so stupid. And the judge says "20 year olds are simple." That we should be "dating around, tryin out different people." Wow really, is that what people think we are supposed to be doing? Interesting.
Dressing up and going out with Sarah tonight, and maybe Alishia. We might be rebels and sneak into see Rachel's play (she's in the Tempest). Anyway. I know this is short and almost pointless, so sorry about that. Gonna try and write more... (I know I keep saying that).
Mel
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Deep in thought
I was reading something for class and it just really kinda hit me. I love what it says:
"Two men invest their master's money wisely and are commended for it; another who merely buries his money is condemned as a "wicked, lazy servant" and thrown into outer darkness (Matthew 25:14-30). Jesus' true followers are those whose lives imitate His: they feed the hungry, clothe the naked, offer drink to the thirsty, and visit the prisoner. These faithful ones are invited into the kingdom of the Father."
This leads me to wonder... why do we not live in a way such as this? Why do we avoid the calling God has so bluntly put upon our lives? Why do we just let go of the things that were at the center of Christ's ministry to squabble about petty details that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things? Why do we seem to place the emphasis on the less important things in life, and ignore the things that are so very urgent?
God's really impressed upon my heart the need to step back, yet again, and really re-evaluate things. I feel as though I am continually having to do this, but I know that it is Christ helping me to grow. I have much to learn still, and yet I feel as though God has already shown me so much.
A new way of life, but what does it look like to look like Christ?
"Two men invest their master's money wisely and are commended for it; another who merely buries his money is condemned as a "wicked, lazy servant" and thrown into outer darkness (Matthew 25:14-30). Jesus' true followers are those whose lives imitate His: they feed the hungry, clothe the naked, offer drink to the thirsty, and visit the prisoner. These faithful ones are invited into the kingdom of the Father."
This leads me to wonder... why do we not live in a way such as this? Why do we avoid the calling God has so bluntly put upon our lives? Why do we just let go of the things that were at the center of Christ's ministry to squabble about petty details that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things? Why do we seem to place the emphasis on the less important things in life, and ignore the things that are so very urgent?
God's really impressed upon my heart the need to step back, yet again, and really re-evaluate things. I feel as though I am continually having to do this, but I know that it is Christ helping me to grow. I have much to learn still, and yet I feel as though God has already shown me so much.
A new way of life, but what does it look like to look like Christ?
Monday, September 25, 2006
Christ in me
I'm feeling things inside that I've never dared feel before. God has been shaping me into this woman He created, giving me passion and conviction in ways and in areas I've never felt before. He's leading me in directions to places I'd have never thought to travel towards and ways I'd never go to get there if it were up to me.
I WANNA BE LIKE MY JESUS! I have never before so strongly felt the importance of doing more than just living a life that was to "not be sinful" as I was brought up believing that that was the way to be a Christian... trying to be perfect. Don't steal, don't lie, don't lust, don't don't don't. To really look at what we're told, to break down what God says to us... what it really says is do do do. Do feed the hungry, do clothe the naked, to care for the broken, do care for the poor. God doesn't ask us to sit idly by and watch the world, His creation, crumble and not do a damn thing about it. He calls us to take action, to fight for Him, to care for the world He has made. God is moving in me in RADICAL WAYS and I can barely grasp tomorrow. This isn't the life I'd have chosen, but it is more amazing than anything I would have ever picked. Growing up in America, the things that are ingrained in us as important, really are the things that matter the least. Even now, sitting here, I am so broken inside and my heart is aching for the things I know I need to be doing, the things He has called me to do, that He has called you to do. I can't sit here and just say that I think these things are important. I signed up to volunteer at a homeless shelter today. I am scared, but anxious to see what God is doing there. I will definitely be blogging on it (hopefully I can be more consistent in my blogging :) and all that I get to watch God do. Pray for these people and pray for me for all that I am going through and what God is doing in me. I am putting song lyrics on this blog that have really been hitting me hard today.... pray they keep hitting me, so much that I have to let God use me, that I have to step aside and give my life up for Him, because that is what I truly desire.
In His Hands,
Mel Spears
Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
or fall down and worship at His holy feet
Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus
If you want to listen to this, it's my myspace song... It's called My Jesus and it's by Todd Agnew
I WANNA BE LIKE MY JESUS! I have never before so strongly felt the importance of doing more than just living a life that was to "not be sinful" as I was brought up believing that that was the way to be a Christian... trying to be perfect. Don't steal, don't lie, don't lust, don't don't don't. To really look at what we're told, to break down what God says to us... what it really says is do do do. Do feed the hungry, do clothe the naked, to care for the broken, do care for the poor. God doesn't ask us to sit idly by and watch the world, His creation, crumble and not do a damn thing about it. He calls us to take action, to fight for Him, to care for the world He has made. God is moving in me in RADICAL WAYS and I can barely grasp tomorrow. This isn't the life I'd have chosen, but it is more amazing than anything I would have ever picked. Growing up in America, the things that are ingrained in us as important, really are the things that matter the least. Even now, sitting here, I am so broken inside and my heart is aching for the things I know I need to be doing, the things He has called me to do, that He has called you to do. I can't sit here and just say that I think these things are important. I signed up to volunteer at a homeless shelter today. I am scared, but anxious to see what God is doing there. I will definitely be blogging on it (hopefully I can be more consistent in my blogging :) and all that I get to watch God do. Pray for these people and pray for me for all that I am going through and what God is doing in me. I am putting song lyrics on this blog that have really been hitting me hard today.... pray they keep hitting me, so much that I have to let God use me, that I have to step aside and give my life up for Him, because that is what I truly desire.
In His Hands,
Mel Spears
Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
or fall down and worship at His holy feet
Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus
If you want to listen to this, it's my myspace song... It's called My Jesus and it's by Todd Agnew
Saturday, September 9, 2006
You know that you are not alone
I was having a very rough night. It was like everything that has been going on inside and outside of my life had finally caught up with me and I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown, which came to it's breaking point when I got into a huge fight with my mom. God made Himself known to me so clearly that I just had to write it here. I cried out to Him, harder than I possibly ever had in my life. I needed to feel like everything was going to be okay. Things just seemed like they were piling up on top of my chest and that I couldn't breathe. I've felt that way for a little while now, but tonight it all caught up to me.... It felt like there was no where to go, nothing that would fix everything that was wrong and I just knew I couldn't handle it. I begged for God's peace and His comfort. I felt so alone and like there wasn't a person I could talk to in the world. I knew no one's words would make me feel any better. And I didn't know what to do. All I could do was cry out in a whisper through all of the pain that I was feeling. And all of a sudden, His answer came upon me like a sudden rain.
"I will provide everything that you need and take from you everything that you don't. Trust me."
Wow. I have literally never felt such peace. It didn't make all the problems go away, it just gave me a different perspective. God will take care of everything. I really trust Him. I just really feel an overwhelming sense of peace. God has really taken care of me in the past and I just tend to block that out when I'm going through something new or a lot of things at once. But I am His daughter and He loves me very much. I know that everything is going to happen according to God's ultimate plan and I think that I've finally grasped that and it's a beautiful thing. :)
Mel
"I will provide everything that you need and take from you everything that you don't. Trust me."
Wow. I have literally never felt such peace. It didn't make all the problems go away, it just gave me a different perspective. God will take care of everything. I really trust Him. I just really feel an overwhelming sense of peace. God has really taken care of me in the past and I just tend to block that out when I'm going through something new or a lot of things at once. But I am His daughter and He loves me very much. I know that everything is going to happen according to God's ultimate plan and I think that I've finally grasped that and it's a beautiful thing. :)
Mel
Sunday, September 3, 2006
A quick update...
Sorry for all those people who actually read my blog who think I fell off the face of the earth... I'm around, just super busy ALL THE TIME!!! No excuses yesterday though, I just sat around, but it was nice. Please pray for my dad. He found out this week that he is blind in one eye, he has to have surgery and he might lose his job and his licence. He's super depressed and it's so sad. I started classes this past week. It's really a lot more work than I anticipated it to be, but it's still so awesome. I have missed this. New Ideas, new people, professors who know so much. It's awesome. I love dorm life... I like dorm food less, but you gotta give some to get some right? :) I miss my friends and family from home. But I've met tons of people here. My roommate is just amazing. For my birthday (which was Thursday), she decorated our dorm with purple balloons and streamers and got me purple fuzzy socks and made me one of her homemade pillows (it was purple too) and then Jessica came over yesterday and brought me more purple balloons and a Royal Purple (that's my favorite shade of it) cake that she ordered that said "Happy Birthday Mel" on it. She is litterally one of my favorite people in the world. She's an awesome friend and I'm so glad that I met her. I just wanted to get a quick update down bc I haven't updated in FOREVER and now I'm off to MARS HILL :). Write more later!
Mel
Mel
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Just a short one
I just wanted to say that I saw my very first shooting star last night. It was amazing. It made me think. I guess things that are in our lives for just a moment have that effect on us, however long the moment. But when you sit and look at all those other stars, it just amazes you. The sky here is so clear. Lights aren't everywhere and you can see so many in the sky. I really love it here.
Ps... I know I forgot to say it in my last post, but I saw Brian McLaren speak last sunday night.... it was awesome. It definately made me do some thinking. I love God.
Also... a quote from Titanic... I know it seems random, but it's not...
"nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come."
Waiting seems to be the prominate thing in my life. Guess it's helping me to build patience....
Also... A shout out to my cousin Heather who turned 21 today and my best friend Mel who turned 20... I love you guys and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Ps... I know I forgot to say it in my last post, but I saw Brian McLaren speak last sunday night.... it was awesome. It definately made me do some thinking. I love God.
Also... a quote from Titanic... I know it seems random, but it's not...
"nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come."
Waiting seems to be the prominate thing in my life. Guess it's helping me to build patience....
Also... A shout out to my cousin Heather who turned 21 today and my best friend Mel who turned 20... I love you guys and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Just the begining...
Once upon a time, in a place far away, a banana fell in love with a beautiful berry princess. Being young and hot for one another, the two got married and soon started having little bananaberry babies. We recently stumbled upon these delicious little fruits and decided that the time was right to create a delicious little drink in homage to the "fruits of their labors." Found, by Kat, on the side of a jones soda bottle at Jumpin Java. Just thought that was a great way to start this post, for no real reason other than it made us laugh
Well I guess one thing I've been wanting to write about it my new found "Patriotism". With taking this American History class, things seem so different to me then they had before. I am prouder to be an American than I ever have been in my life. It's new for me and I absolutely love it!
WOO-HOO! I just found out some amazing news!!! They just called me... I found out that I don't have to worry about the Sallie Mae loan that I have out because they are taking care of it!!! Woo-hoo! It's going into forbearance, which basically means that there will be a couple of dollars of interest for these last few months, but then when I start school in the fall, it goes into deferment and I don't pay it until I graduate in 4 years, and no interest will be collecting. It was past due and it looked bad on my credit (they clear that up as soon as it goes into forbearance) and I did not have the money to pay for it. God is so awesome. When you trust Him to take care of things, He really comes through. I'm just in awe.
I have some new found friends that are just simply awesome. Jess, Manda, Jeremy, and all the rest. Everyone seems to be so great. My Kitty is visiting me. I love having her here. She's simply one of the most awesome girls I know. And clearly one of the best friends I've ever had.
I have been doing a lot of learning and growing. It's so amazing to have things finally start to click... here is a list of books that have helped to revolutionize my relationship with Christ... you should pick up a few and check them out.... Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren, The Story We Find Ourselves In by Brian McLaren, The Last Word, and the Word After That by Brian McLaren, The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren (which I've only read half of and plan to reread after I finish Velvet Elvis), Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell (which I'm only about a third of the way through, but has already started so much churning in my mind). Books that are still on my reading list... A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren, Aqua Church by Lenard Sweet, and The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. These books have sparked many new thoughts and ideas, fresh new ways of looking at and approaching things (Esspecially the Bible and the teachings of Jesus), many wonderful conversations, and most importantly many talks with God, where He has changed me, shown me parts of myself I hadn't seen before, revealed to me a way to be what I say I am, new desires and feelings, and just completely renewed my heart in the desire I have to FOLLOW IN THE WAYS OF JESUS CHRIST. I'm amazed and awe-struck by God.
I hope that all of you that are reading this take time to really examine what it is you believe and why you do. I know at the very begining of this journey, it seemed as though in the words of McLaren "I was losing my faith", it was just because I was questioning the things I was brought up believing were the truth. Even though this is still just the begining, I feel so radically different. I will continue to post on here some of the dramatic ideas I've been bouncing around with, somethings are just between me, God and some close friends. Pray for me. I appreciate it.
In Love,
Meliss
Well I guess one thing I've been wanting to write about it my new found "Patriotism". With taking this American History class, things seem so different to me then they had before. I am prouder to be an American than I ever have been in my life. It's new for me and I absolutely love it!
WOO-HOO! I just found out some amazing news!!! They just called me... I found out that I don't have to worry about the Sallie Mae loan that I have out because they are taking care of it!!! Woo-hoo! It's going into forbearance, which basically means that there will be a couple of dollars of interest for these last few months, but then when I start school in the fall, it goes into deferment and I don't pay it until I graduate in 4 years, and no interest will be collecting. It was past due and it looked bad on my credit (they clear that up as soon as it goes into forbearance) and I did not have the money to pay for it. God is so awesome. When you trust Him to take care of things, He really comes through. I'm just in awe.
I have some new found friends that are just simply awesome. Jess, Manda, Jeremy, and all the rest. Everyone seems to be so great. My Kitty is visiting me. I love having her here. She's simply one of the most awesome girls I know. And clearly one of the best friends I've ever had.
I have been doing a lot of learning and growing. It's so amazing to have things finally start to click... here is a list of books that have helped to revolutionize my relationship with Christ... you should pick up a few and check them out.... Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren, The Story We Find Ourselves In by Brian McLaren, The Last Word, and the Word After That by Brian McLaren, The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren (which I've only read half of and plan to reread after I finish Velvet Elvis), Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell (which I'm only about a third of the way through, but has already started so much churning in my mind). Books that are still on my reading list... A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren, Aqua Church by Lenard Sweet, and The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. These books have sparked many new thoughts and ideas, fresh new ways of looking at and approaching things (Esspecially the Bible and the teachings of Jesus), many wonderful conversations, and most importantly many talks with God, where He has changed me, shown me parts of myself I hadn't seen before, revealed to me a way to be what I say I am, new desires and feelings, and just completely renewed my heart in the desire I have to FOLLOW IN THE WAYS OF JESUS CHRIST. I'm amazed and awe-struck by God.
I hope that all of you that are reading this take time to really examine what it is you believe and why you do. I know at the very begining of this journey, it seemed as though in the words of McLaren "I was losing my faith", it was just because I was questioning the things I was brought up believing were the truth. Even though this is still just the begining, I feel so radically different. I will continue to post on here some of the dramatic ideas I've been bouncing around with, somethings are just between me, God and some close friends. Pray for me. I appreciate it.
In Love,
Meliss
Friday, July 21, 2006
The Story We Find Ourselves In
So I got home last night and could barely put the book down. I ended up staying up until 2:30 in the morning and finishing it. I got up this morning at 10:30 and started the next book in the series "The Story We Find Ourselves In"... here are a few things that I've pulled out so far...
It's none of your business who does and does not go to hell. It is your business to be warned by it and to run, not walk, in the opposite direction! It's your business to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, to love your neighbor as yourself, to have confidence in Jesus Christ and live as Jesus lived. Let the imagery of hell remind you that life is serious business, that there are real conciquences to how we live and believe and that justice and injustice ultimtely matter more than most of what people worrry about. Now stop speculating about hell and start living for Heaven.
God doesn't want to be the only reality in our lives, the only relationship in our network, the only message on our screen.
I think the story tells us that the Creator wants man and woman to find each other, as a lost part of themselves. And so in the story we have the man and the woman, naked, together, both innocent and passionate, not ashamed to see or be seen, to know and be known, to need and to be needed, to want and to enjoy another being, given by The Being.
It's as if God is the Master Artist and the world is a studio and God creates us in it to be young apprentices, God's students, learning to create too. God created us to be creators (birth, ideas, ext.).
These are just some of the things I've written in my journal to ponder. I am amazed by seeing how much God is changing so much about me. It's such an awesome feeling. Thanks Mama Kathy for listening to me ramble for so long about this. And thanks for your prayers. I love you a ton!
For the rest of you who are reading this, please keep me in your prayers because I have so much going on right now with school and work and living arangements.... so much will be changing and so much is changing in me. I am happy that things are going the way they are and I am trusting in God to lead the way. Please do the same for me :)....
Love,
Spearmint
It's none of your business who does and does not go to hell. It is your business to be warned by it and to run, not walk, in the opposite direction! It's your business to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, to love your neighbor as yourself, to have confidence in Jesus Christ and live as Jesus lived. Let the imagery of hell remind you that life is serious business, that there are real conciquences to how we live and believe and that justice and injustice ultimtely matter more than most of what people worrry about. Now stop speculating about hell and start living for Heaven.
God doesn't want to be the only reality in our lives, the only relationship in our network, the only message on our screen.
I think the story tells us that the Creator wants man and woman to find each other, as a lost part of themselves. And so in the story we have the man and the woman, naked, together, both innocent and passionate, not ashamed to see or be seen, to know and be known, to need and to be needed, to want and to enjoy another being, given by The Being.
It's as if God is the Master Artist and the world is a studio and God creates us in it to be young apprentices, God's students, learning to create too. God created us to be creators (birth, ideas, ext.).
These are just some of the things I've written in my journal to ponder. I am amazed by seeing how much God is changing so much about me. It's such an awesome feeling. Thanks Mama Kathy for listening to me ramble for so long about this. And thanks for your prayers. I love you a ton!
For the rest of you who are reading this, please keep me in your prayers because I have so much going on right now with school and work and living arangements.... so much will be changing and so much is changing in me. I am happy that things are going the way they are and I am trusting in God to lead the way. Please do the same for me :)....
Love,
Spearmint
Thursday, July 20, 2006
A New Kind of Christian
Here are some things I've been reading in A New Kind of Christian and they really are some revolutionary thoughts:
If there is a real, living, active, relevant desire of God and wisdom from God that needs to be brought to bear on our concrete life situation, then both sides (modern and postmodern) better move to the edge of their seats, start praying, start listening to each other and start reading the Bible in fresh new ways for all the wisdom they can mine from it.
The Bible is a family story, telling us what it means to be Children of God. It helps us to know who we are, why we're here, and where we're going.
And you enter Heaven... Heaven is a place of intense brightness, a place fragrant with goodness, a place alive with love. The presance of God seems to pervade everyone and everything, like a light that doesn't shine onto things, but rather shines out of everything, everywhere. In this place, people are humble and genuinely interested in others. They are eager to serve one another and they love to laugh and dance and be free as children. There are no inhabitions. There is nothing to hide. It is a place of true freedom, trust and intimacy. And even though it is a place of great diversity, with people of all cutlures and languages and times retaining their own uniqueness, it is a place where no one argues, no one fights, no one hates, and no one complains-- not because thy aren't allowed to, but because they don't want to, because they accept and love one another completely. They are fully alive.
This book is really helping to rejuvinate my relationship with Christ (I recommend it to everyone who loves to read and would love to discuss it with you if you do read it). Along with everything else He is doing with me right now, this is just one thing that is really awesome.
Please pray for me. I was rejected for my school loan today and so I don't really know where that leaves me... well I'm off to class... write more sometime soon!!!!
If there is a real, living, active, relevant desire of God and wisdom from God that needs to be brought to bear on our concrete life situation, then both sides (modern and postmodern) better move to the edge of their seats, start praying, start listening to each other and start reading the Bible in fresh new ways for all the wisdom they can mine from it.
The Bible is a family story, telling us what it means to be Children of God. It helps us to know who we are, why we're here, and where we're going.
And you enter Heaven... Heaven is a place of intense brightness, a place fragrant with goodness, a place alive with love. The presance of God seems to pervade everyone and everything, like a light that doesn't shine onto things, but rather shines out of everything, everywhere. In this place, people are humble and genuinely interested in others. They are eager to serve one another and they love to laugh and dance and be free as children. There are no inhabitions. There is nothing to hide. It is a place of true freedom, trust and intimacy. And even though it is a place of great diversity, with people of all cutlures and languages and times retaining their own uniqueness, it is a place where no one argues, no one fights, no one hates, and no one complains-- not because thy aren't allowed to, but because they don't want to, because they accept and love one another completely. They are fully alive.
This book is really helping to rejuvinate my relationship with Christ (I recommend it to everyone who loves to read and would love to discuss it with you if you do read it). Along with everything else He is doing with me right now, this is just one thing that is really awesome.
Please pray for me. I was rejected for my school loan today and so I don't really know where that leaves me... well I'm off to class... write more sometime soon!!!!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Psalm 8:3-5
Well, I guess I can write a quick word or two. I've been at Jumpin Java for like 2 1/2 hours now. I pretty much live here because of the wireless access. Plus the fact that I really don't have anywhere else to go. Today was actually pretty hard. I'd been doing well for a bit there and then today it seemed as though the week caught up with me. I cried for a long while, broke down in my room for a bit, but once I kinda regained my composure it was a little better. Though at some points, I have to catch my breath because I'm still hurting. I had a really good talk with a great friend last night and for a while today and he really just helped me out. It was really good to be able to put everything that is happening into words. And he gave me a peice of his mom's advice, which if you're reading this, really helped. It's weird because people have been giving me words of wisdom that apply to other cercumstances, that I've ended up applying to this one. "You won't get the answers you need until you ask the right questions." -Sarah Harrison. It helped me to re-examine what it is I want to know and I think I've starting asking the right questions. I love my God, and one of the most amazing things about Him is that He will listen to me, and comfort me in a way that most won't. And though I question Him, He is continually there when I need Him. He just captivates my heart. Alright, I'm off to the beach. Gonna walk along the shore and have a talk with the King of all creation.
Spears
Psalm 8:3-5 When I look up and think about Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in their place, what is man, that You think of him, the son of man that You care for him? You made him a little less than the angels and gave him a crown of greatness and honor.
Spears
Psalm 8:3-5 When I look up and think about Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in their place, what is man, that You think of him, the son of man that You care for him? You made him a little less than the angels and gave him a crown of greatness and honor.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Aarrrggg!
Well, between money, friends, family, school and job issues, I see God's hands at work in my life. He is truely taking care of me. I am deeply in love with Him and I see that out of that love comes a heart that is just aching to serve Him in EVERY way possible. It's awesome to see His plan unfolding before my eyes. Every time I've started to complain the last few days, I've stopped and said "Okay back it up, so my life's not perfect? Have you taken at look at ALL of the AMAZING things that God has been doing?" And when I take a step back and look at this big picture I just have to praise Him.
Psalm 9:2-I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.
He just continues to awe me and take my breath away.
As for school.... We took our first test Tuesday. I took it and I was banking on just getting a C. I really thought I was going to get a D. But I said if I just get a C then I can make it up on the other 2 tests and get a B or C in the class. I could live with that. So he went through what the class got 4 A's, 6 B's, 9 C's, 6 D's and 4 F's. Well chances were if that many people got C's D's and F's it wasn't lookin too good for me. So the tests came back... I got a B+!!!!! I was ecstatic!!! A B+! If the other 2 tests are anything like that (which he said they are EXACTLY the same), then I am set. Yeah I just can't believe it!
At this point in the blog you've got to be wondering "Then what's the deal with the title?"... Well, I'm a dork. Lol. I went and saw Pirates 2 last night... It was AMAZING! (Dumb joke, I know) I just can't wait to see the 3rd one. I won't say anymore, for the sake of those who haven't seen it yet, but really, go see it.
Alright, I think I'm gonna take off and do some homework and then maybe head up to the beach for a bit.... later people
Meliss
Psalm 9:2-I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.
He just continues to awe me and take my breath away.
As for school.... We took our first test Tuesday. I took it and I was banking on just getting a C. I really thought I was going to get a D. But I said if I just get a C then I can make it up on the other 2 tests and get a B or C in the class. I could live with that. So he went through what the class got 4 A's, 6 B's, 9 C's, 6 D's and 4 F's. Well chances were if that many people got C's D's and F's it wasn't lookin too good for me. So the tests came back... I got a B+!!!!! I was ecstatic!!! A B+! If the other 2 tests are anything like that (which he said they are EXACTLY the same), then I am set. Yeah I just can't believe it!
At this point in the blog you've got to be wondering "Then what's the deal with the title?"... Well, I'm a dork. Lol. I went and saw Pirates 2 last night... It was AMAZING! (Dumb joke, I know) I just can't wait to see the 3rd one. I won't say anymore, for the sake of those who haven't seen it yet, but really, go see it.
Alright, I think I'm gonna take off and do some homework and then maybe head up to the beach for a bit.... later people
Meliss
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Our God is Amazing
Well I've got a couple of minutes to update... I just wanted to say how awesome God is. God gives and He takes away and through it all He reveals Himself and His awesome plan! I love Him more today than I ever have before and I hope that I can make that same statement true tomorrow. He is SO awesome and so breath-taking.
Something He showed me last night finally got to my heart....
Matthew 5:5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
And I finally am. I am happy with who God made me to be. I love myself. God has shown me the beauty and love He put into me when He formed me in the womb. And this is truly a feeling that can't be bought.
Yes I am going through a hard time, but in the words of Job... "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The LORD gave me everything I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!"
God showed me that He will answer my prayers, the way that He sees fit. He shows me that if I ask for something I better be ready for it. And though I wasn't ready for yesterday, I did ask for it. It was actually pretty weird. My last prayer journal entry said "I'm gonna regret saying this as soon as I do, but would you..." and I asked Him to resolve acertainn situation and byGeorgee, He did. Reading it before I wrote in my journal last night I laughed to myself. How can I even be upset when God gave me the only thing I've been asking for for the longest while now? Easy, I can't. So though I'm having a hard time I have to understand, when it starts to hurt, this is part of God's plan and it's important that I give Himcontroll of every part of my life, even if some of it's reluctant to go. I'm giving it up and I'm growing. God is turning me into the woman He made me to be and I am going to revel in every minute of it...
Alright Igota get out of here, there gonna close in a few minutes and I'm gonna go home and get some homework done.... later people
Meliss
Something He showed me last night finally got to my heart....
Matthew 5:5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
And I finally am. I am happy with who God made me to be. I love myself. God has shown me the beauty and love He put into me when He formed me in the womb. And this is truly a feeling that can't be bought.
Yes I am going through a hard time, but in the words of Job... "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The LORD gave me everything I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!"
God showed me that He will answer my prayers, the way that He sees fit. He shows me that if I ask for something I better be ready for it. And though I wasn't ready for yesterday, I did ask for it. It was actually pretty weird. My last prayer journal entry said "I'm gonna regret saying this as soon as I do, but would you..." and I asked Him to resolve acertainn situation and byGeorgee, He did. Reading it before I wrote in my journal last night I laughed to myself. How can I even be upset when God gave me the only thing I've been asking for for the longest while now? Easy, I can't. So though I'm having a hard time I have to understand, when it starts to hurt, this is part of God's plan and it's important that I give Himcontroll of every part of my life, even if some of it's reluctant to go. I'm giving it up and I'm growing. God is turning me into the woman He made me to be and I am going to revel in every minute of it...
Alright Igota get out of here, there gonna close in a few minutes and I'm gonna go home and get some homework done.... later people
Meliss
Friday, June 30, 2006
I'm home :)
Well, here I am. Home on the other side of the state. Well as I type I'm actually at Panera. It's nice here though, a little jazz music and people chatting in the background. The smell of fresh food being made. Actually it makes me a little hungry. Lol. Anyway, I'm really liking it here. I'm staying with Wally and Sarah Harrison in case you're reading this and didn't already know. They are literally two of the greatest people ever. I got here on Monday night and went with Wally to go to the Condo where they were staying (they were watching someone's grandson for the week... yep that's right, believe it or not I had the house all to myself. What awesome people just let someone live in their house while they're gone?!?) anyway and after dinner as I was leaving to go back to the house, Wally said "Hey Mel... welcome home." I walked out the door and just started crying. That made me feel so amazing and so seriously welcomed that I just couldn't take it. I called Jon and just had to tell him how awesome Wally and Sarah are. And they both have just made me feel so much like I'm wanted here that it's incredible. It's made me feel so much better everytime I've started to get homesick. I'm so thankful for them. Nate and Jen are also really amazing people. I definately see a resemblance between Nate and Wally. And Jen is just so sweet. Another thing here that I just find absoluely amazing is the church and youth ministry. Yesterday, I met up at the hub (it's the building that Watermark staff's offices are in, also where the highschool ministry meets and there's a prayer room there where anyone can go in and pray) at noon and went with the Jr. High ministry (and one of the highschoolers), to collect cans in a neighborhood and then we went to Wesco with the cash we got from returning them and just paid for people's gas. It was such an awesome experience and it was so amazing to see how into it the kids were. I took a group of girls out in the neighborhood and it really made me realize how much I miss doing youth ministry. I thought before that I'd like to be a part of it when I got here. Now I realize that God is calling me to make working with youth a VERY big part of my life. I don't know where He wants me to go from here, but I definatly feel led to do something. I am going to Moto's hangout tonight from six to eight, that is if I can catch a ride with Wally because my car is SUPER low on oil and I don't have any money to get more until tomorrow, so I shouldn't really drive it anywhere. I probably shouldn't have even came to Panera. Jon, Kat, Josh and Brandon are coming to visit me tomorrow!!! I can't wait to see all of them. I really miss my friends. Well on that note, I think I'm gonna get outta here...
Later,
Spearsy
Later,
Spearsy
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Love and Lust and other stuff
"Lust means 'I must have it at once, and I don't care what the consequences are.'* It may be a low, animal lust, or it may be a mental lust, or a moral or spiritual lust; but it is a characteristic that does not belong to the life hid with Christ in God. Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly."--Oswald Chambers.
Last night I was sitting around and wondering what was the difference between love and lust. I was thinking about love and forgiveness and why sometimes it's just so hard to show those things. I was wondering if I needed to really do what it is I thought I must do. I was going to just update my blog without checking everyones cuz I've got a lot to do today, but then I thought, you know I'll just check to see if anyone else has updated. I found this quote on Momma Kathy's blog and it really answers my questions. I think my favorite line is what it says about love. 'Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly." In our fast-food society, where we are so impatient we wait for nothing, this thought is just mind blowing. Love can wait forever. It makes me question myself. Can I really wait forever? Can I love that way? I'm going through a couple of situations where this applies. I guess I could talk about them....
The first one has to do with my brother... him and I used to be so incredibly close. He was my big brother, I looked up to him SO much... and then he got married.His wife couldn't stand me. She was so mean and just found things everyday to hurt my feelings. Then... they got a divorce. I know as mean as it sounds... I was so happy. During the time that they were married, my brother wasn't aloud to spend time with me and so I never really saw him anymore. They divorced and BAM! I got my big brother back. We had so many good times together after that. We had that big bro/kid sister relationship that every little girl wants. At that time, I knew he loved me. I knew he thought the world of his little sister. Then, when I started forth grade, the most wonderful thing happened. We got to see his son for the first time since the divorce. We met them at the mall. Yeah, he even took me with him to meet Josh. The last, best memory I have with my brother was on the way to the mall. We were in his truck and we were listening to Alanis Morresette (Like usual) and he said "I'm so nervous. What if he doesn't like me?" And I looked over at him and I thought to myself: Not like you? Who could not like you? You are the most awesome brother ever and you're so cool! So I told him "Don't worry bubby, that's not possible" And I meant every word. I looked back into the sideview mirror and just remember being so happy to be there. Then, later that same year something else happened... My brother came to pick me up from school one day. We were walking across the street to his truck and he said "Melissa you know I love you right?" And I said "Oh crap. What did you do?" He was acting really strange. We walked into the house and him and I both went into mom's bedroom where she was folding clothes. "Mom. Melissa. I went to the justice of the peace today and Angela and I got married." That's the last real memory I have of my brother. We haven't gotten along since. Now six more children (yeah you read right, he's got 7 kids) and 10 years later, we barely know more about the other than our names. I've tried so many times to make ammends for the things I've done wrong (I know it's not only him), I've asked him to come out to dinner with me, just to go to a movie or get coffee. He's told me no every time. He's said "I've got a family now and I don't have time for you" he's said he doesn't want to fix things with us. He says he just doesn't want to. Writing these things is just breaking my heart. It's the hardest thing for the little sister inside of me to really believe. I want to believe that my brother really does care about me. I've cried to him and told him that I just want to be his friend and he's shown no emotion and told me that it really wasn't possible. So I guess that brings us to why this has to do with Love and Forgiveness. God impressed it upon my heart that I can't just be done like I want to be. He said to me that I must continue to show love to my brother, that I must push past whatever it is that he's done to me and I must humbly show my love for him. I must continue to try to fix things, even if there's never any result. If it means for the rest of my life I'm calling him and saying, lets go out to dinner and catch up and he always says no... I need to just continue to do it. That also means... I need to tell Angel I love her, and I need to mean it. This has nothing to do with me, believe me, but it is CHRIST in me. HE will love these people through me, despite me, because HE is amazing and full of grace. I give HIM the glory and I do nothing of my own accord, because if I had anything to do with anything in my life (as shown) I'd screw it up. Please just pray for me, pray I will continually step aside and let Christ do a work IN and THROUGH me. Pray that I can let God do this, because they are here now and I am just sitting in my room, avoiding it. Just pray for me please.
The other thing I'm struggling with is being single. I know that is selfish and I must trust God and His timing. I want to live with a love like this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8~Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.
I want that to be the love I have in my heart. Please just keep me in your prayers. Lifes a struggle, for sure. But I feel God take things from me everyday. He takes away parts of me that are selfish and sinful and replaces them with parts that are who He has made me to be. He's forming me into the woman I am meant to be.
Another thing that I find really awesome....
Isaiah 62:2~The nations will see your righteousness. Kings will be blinded by your glory. And the LORD will give you a new name. The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God,for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own. Your children will care for you with joy, O Jerusalem, just as a young man cares for his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.
Just wanted to share that. I think it's so awesome. Well now that I've written more than anyone will probably read... I'm off to do a bunch of stuff...
Spears
Last night I was sitting around and wondering what was the difference between love and lust. I was thinking about love and forgiveness and why sometimes it's just so hard to show those things. I was wondering if I needed to really do what it is I thought I must do. I was going to just update my blog without checking everyones cuz I've got a lot to do today, but then I thought, you know I'll just check to see if anyone else has updated. I found this quote on Momma Kathy's blog and it really answers my questions. I think my favorite line is what it says about love. 'Love is the opposite; love can wait endlessly." In our fast-food society, where we are so impatient we wait for nothing, this thought is just mind blowing. Love can wait forever. It makes me question myself. Can I really wait forever? Can I love that way? I'm going through a couple of situations where this applies. I guess I could talk about them....
The first one has to do with my brother... him and I used to be so incredibly close. He was my big brother, I looked up to him SO much... and then he got married.His wife couldn't stand me. She was so mean and just found things everyday to hurt my feelings. Then... they got a divorce. I know as mean as it sounds... I was so happy. During the time that they were married, my brother wasn't aloud to spend time with me and so I never really saw him anymore. They divorced and BAM! I got my big brother back. We had so many good times together after that. We had that big bro/kid sister relationship that every little girl wants. At that time, I knew he loved me. I knew he thought the world of his little sister. Then, when I started forth grade, the most wonderful thing happened. We got to see his son for the first time since the divorce. We met them at the mall. Yeah, he even took me with him to meet Josh. The last, best memory I have with my brother was on the way to the mall. We were in his truck and we were listening to Alanis Morresette (Like usual) and he said "I'm so nervous. What if he doesn't like me?" And I looked over at him and I thought to myself: Not like you? Who could not like you? You are the most awesome brother ever and you're so cool! So I told him "Don't worry bubby, that's not possible" And I meant every word. I looked back into the sideview mirror and just remember being so happy to be there. Then, later that same year something else happened... My brother came to pick me up from school one day. We were walking across the street to his truck and he said "Melissa you know I love you right?" And I said "Oh crap. What did you do?" He was acting really strange. We walked into the house and him and I both went into mom's bedroom where she was folding clothes. "Mom. Melissa. I went to the justice of the peace today and Angela and I got married." That's the last real memory I have of my brother. We haven't gotten along since. Now six more children (yeah you read right, he's got 7 kids) and 10 years later, we barely know more about the other than our names. I've tried so many times to make ammends for the things I've done wrong (I know it's not only him), I've asked him to come out to dinner with me, just to go to a movie or get coffee. He's told me no every time. He's said "I've got a family now and I don't have time for you" he's said he doesn't want to fix things with us. He says he just doesn't want to. Writing these things is just breaking my heart. It's the hardest thing for the little sister inside of me to really believe. I want to believe that my brother really does care about me. I've cried to him and told him that I just want to be his friend and he's shown no emotion and told me that it really wasn't possible. So I guess that brings us to why this has to do with Love and Forgiveness. God impressed it upon my heart that I can't just be done like I want to be. He said to me that I must continue to show love to my brother, that I must push past whatever it is that he's done to me and I must humbly show my love for him. I must continue to try to fix things, even if there's never any result. If it means for the rest of my life I'm calling him and saying, lets go out to dinner and catch up and he always says no... I need to just continue to do it. That also means... I need to tell Angel I love her, and I need to mean it. This has nothing to do with me, believe me, but it is CHRIST in me. HE will love these people through me, despite me, because HE is amazing and full of grace. I give HIM the glory and I do nothing of my own accord, because if I had anything to do with anything in my life (as shown) I'd screw it up. Please just pray for me, pray I will continually step aside and let Christ do a work IN and THROUGH me. Pray that I can let God do this, because they are here now and I am just sitting in my room, avoiding it. Just pray for me please.
The other thing I'm struggling with is being single. I know that is selfish and I must trust God and His timing. I want to live with a love like this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8~Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.
I want that to be the love I have in my heart. Please just keep me in your prayers. Lifes a struggle, for sure. But I feel God take things from me everyday. He takes away parts of me that are selfish and sinful and replaces them with parts that are who He has made me to be. He's forming me into the woman I am meant to be.
Another thing that I find really awesome....
Isaiah 62:2~The nations will see your righteousness. Kings will be blinded by your glory. And the LORD will give you a new name. The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God,for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own. Your children will care for you with joy, O Jerusalem, just as a young man cares for his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.
Just wanted to share that. I think it's so awesome. Well now that I've written more than anyone will probably read... I'm off to do a bunch of stuff...
Spears
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Beginning of a Journey
I'm leaving in less than a week and a half. I'm starting down a road that I know will lead me to the places I need to be in life. Moving out, not just out, but away. It hard letting go. It's hard moving on. God is really doing a lot inside of me though. It's weird to think that it's comming up so soon. Like in two weeks from this very moment I will be sitting on the other side of the state, not for just a few days vacation, but I'll be there living... and I'll never be back to live in the downriver again. It's weird. Thoughts like those make me appreciate this place just a little more. I hung out with Lizzy yesterday, her and I talked about her coming to Grand Haven and getting an apartment and going to college with me at Grand Valley State. It's a really awesome idea and it actually sounds feasable. Kat is talking about moving out there too. If we got a two bedroom apartment for like 600 bucks or so, it would only be 200 bucks in rent a month... How INSANELY cheap. That would be amazing. Kat's leaving to pick up her mom from Vegas soon... which means she won't be here for the time I have left. That really sucks. I'm gonna miss her. We've gotten to be so close these last few weeks. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her. It's so weird to think I won't be able to just call her and hang out. It's weird to think that about all my friends. And I just want to put in here that I love Jt. He's so great. I hope we still talk like we do now after I move. He definately helps me to look at things with a level head. I thank him for that. Jon left. It was hard to see him go, but you know I'm starting to realize that was for a reason too. Even though I'm only realizing that in the very back of my mind. Things are moving very quickly, I have 5 days left at Bally's. That's so sad to me. I love that place. Sometimes it sucks, but I'm gonna miss it so badly. I'm going to miss my family a lot too. It's gonna be hard, but it's what I need to do. Well I think that's all for this post... Later...
Spearsy
Spearsy
Thursday, June 1, 2006
Well as another week passes, I draw closer
Well as another week passes, and I draw closer to the time I leave, I'm starting to really have mixed emotions. All in all though, they are comming out to be positive. I am in love with a God I know will take care of me. I know that it's for the best that I go, no matter what it is that I want to stay for. I love my friends and I'll miss them, but Kathy's right I won't be THAT far away. I'm excited for the adventure. I'm so ready to move into this new time in my life. It's going to be a blast living with the Harrisons for the summer. Two people who I absolutely adore. It will be nice to have a fresh start and a change of... well... everything. It will be awesome to be apart of a community of believers who have the same vision. People who are striving to be what Christ has called them to be. To me that's so awesome. I am scared to leave all of the things that I know but yet I'm so excited... I can't wait.
On the home front... things with the 'rents are pretty much rediculas. Not so much with my dad but my mom. She's looking for reasons to yell at me and that sucks. I wish things would just level off for the last 3 weeks that I'm here. I know that won't, but I figure I'll just stay out of their way, then they won't see me to yell.
On the personal front.... God and I are doing really good. I'm learing so much about His love for me. I am reading this book called Captivating, and last night I was reading this chapter about God as our romancer. It was beautiful. I am learning that I am beautiful. It's a hard lesson and I'm learning it slowly, but that's what God has been showing me. I am more beautiful than a star filled sky on a warm summer night. More beautiful than the ocean... These are hard ideas to grasp, because when I think of beauty, I think of these things... I surely don't think of me. But when God thinks beauty... He thinks of me. He thinks I am beautiful. Wow, what a thought. God is really changing my heart, just like I asked Him to do. How awesome is that? Well I just wanted to get that out... I'm off for now....
Spears
On the home front... things with the 'rents are pretty much rediculas. Not so much with my dad but my mom. She's looking for reasons to yell at me and that sucks. I wish things would just level off for the last 3 weeks that I'm here. I know that won't, but I figure I'll just stay out of their way, then they won't see me to yell.
On the personal front.... God and I are doing really good. I'm learing so much about His love for me. I am reading this book called Captivating, and last night I was reading this chapter about God as our romancer. It was beautiful. I am learning that I am beautiful. It's a hard lesson and I'm learning it slowly, but that's what God has been showing me. I am more beautiful than a star filled sky on a warm summer night. More beautiful than the ocean... These are hard ideas to grasp, because when I think of beauty, I think of these things... I surely don't think of me. But when God thinks beauty... He thinks of me. He thinks I am beautiful. Wow, what a thought. God is really changing my heart, just like I asked Him to do. How awesome is that? Well I just wanted to get that out... I'm off for now....
Spears
Friday, May 26, 2006
Pouring Down Like the Rain
Well I guess this is a start to a fun, but super busy weekend. God has blessed me so much these last few weeks. He has given me amazing friends, which I affectionately call my family, he’s helped me through things that I never thought I’d make it through, he has blessed me with an amazing new laptop, and just today I went to pick up my replacement phone and I guess they decided to upgrade my phone. I haven’t got it yet (they’re swapping the phone book right now and I’m at Panera eating some soup), but the lady who was helping me went back to see if it was in and she walked back to me and was like “whoever ordered your phone hooked you up”. They didn’t just upgrade it a little. It was like I skipped 3 upgrades she said. So how frickin awesome is that? I love Jesus! Tonight I’m going out with my friends to see X-men 3. I’m pretty excited. I am gonna miss this place. It’s less than a month until I leave here. Jon’s only gonna get to hang out with me for 2 more weeks. It’s sad I’m leaving all of my best friends, but I really just can’t wait to make this change. Melissa’s right, this is a dream come true for me. I’ve always known I wanted to get the heck out of Downriver. I’ve always known I was meant for something different. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but I feel like I’m finally on the right path. I pray that things with me and God can keep going the way that they have been. I just feel so safe, like I’m on the edge of the proverbial cliff and I can finally just let go and trust that God will catch me. It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before but it is really amazing. It’s so weird to think that less than 2 weeks ago I was questioning if God even loved me. But now I know the answer. And I love Him more than I even thought possible. He is shaping and changing me. I feel so awesome inside. I love you Jesus.
Meliss
Meliss
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I've Found the Love of my Life
Well I want to start this blog by telling you how amazing my God is. That's the precursor to every other part of this blog. He has done so much. I love Him more than anything. He's the love of my life. Purple Like Reggae is doing really well. We're doing a day of prayer and fasting this Sunday in regards to Mike planting a church. A lot of the people in the group are having a tough decision on whether to stay with Metro or go with Mike and we want to seek God's direction on it. So this comming Sunday you are welcome to fast and pray with us. I will post details about where we are meeting after church to pray after tomorrow night when we nail everything down. Mike will be there (or at least stop by for a bit). I would love it if anyone who reads this would stop by. Even though I really wish I could stick around sometimes I am moving. In a month actually. It seems to be creeping right up on me. I'm really excited. I know that it's going to give me a chance to really find out things I've never known about myself and more importantly give me a chance to get closer to God than I ever have before. I cannot say enough how much I love Wally and Sarah. They are two of the greatest people God has ever put in my life and I really thank Him for that everyday. I've got another friend God has blessed me with, being Jt. I've known him for quite a while, but I've never really gotten to know him. He is really just such a cool guy. I am so sad that we've just now gotten to be such good friends and I am leaving in a month. He's so awesome though. Can't stress that enough... again... ladies, he's single... any takers? Check out my myspace profile pictures, I've got a couple of him on there. The other night me, him, Jon, and Kat were all hanging out. We went to a couple "haunted places" and then we got food and went to Hall Rd. Park. There was this glider thing, so I thought since everyone was doing it I should try.... bad idea.My shoes were wet. I didn't have a good grip on the thing, and so I was 2 feet off the ground and fell. On my back and my head. I got a mild concussion and ripped a muscle in my neck and hurt my back. Yeah, it sucks. But still I had a lot of fun that night b4 the painful fall. Oh and praise God! My car doesn't need anything! It's all good and it was nothing but a thermostat. The tires finally got rotated and they're okay. Everythings good with it. I am so extatic. Another prayer God answered was about the last post I made. On so many levels he answered my cries to Him. I'm completely out of love with the guy I thought I was in love with for so many years. I have no desire to be with him at all anymore. It's such a freeing feeling. I have literally let go of all of "those kind" of feelings for him. I realized that he just isn't the kind of guy I want to marry and THANK YOU MEGAN FISHER FOR BEING RIGHT! I will not settle. If that means I'll be alone forever. I'd rather have nothing that something that isn't what I really want anyway. God has really shown me that I'm not alone. He's starting to take the feeling away from me. He's replacing it with great friends like Jt and Kat, and reparing rifts in the old friendships. He is an amazing God isn't He?
In His Hands,
Spearmint
In His Hands,
Spearmint
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
And it moves on...
So I went to Aaron and Danielle's wedding this weekend. Daniella was beautiful of course. And I'll quote my best friend in saying that you could see the love between them when they walked into a room. It was fun and I loved hanging out with my friends. It was also really depressing. At points I was crying. Some reasons I don't want to write about, but I just feel like I'll end up alone. After the wedding, I went to drop Jon off at his car which was at Melissa's house. He got in his car and I just waited for him to leave. He wouldn't. He said I had to leave first. I just wanted to sit alone and cry. He wouldn't let me. I finally was like "Okay, I'm going", and I drove away. I was supposed to be going to Shane's house, so I turned the corner and then just turned into a gas station. I should have used the other entrance, because as I turned my car off he pulled up beside me. He got in my car and we talked for quite a while, actually I talked... and cried. It was cool to be able to sit with someone and just let things out. I was really honest and open and just let go. And I know if you are reading this and you know me, you probably think that it's about a "me and him". No, not really. It was about a "me and anyone". It was the past, it was the future, it was the now. It was my fears, it was my faults, it was my pain. After I said everything I could, all he could suggest was that I talk to someone about it (not in a mean way of course). He was really sweet that night. I wish he could be like that more often. There are rare times when I feel as though I'm not a bother to my friends. I always feel like I am such a burden to all those around me, my parents just happen to be the only ones who say it on a regular basis. There are times when friends say it, sometimes using words, other times with their actions. It's hard to swallow. People are busy, I know this. I just feel so alone. I guess leaving will be good. It will get me out of everyone's hair. I told Jon that last night, that me leaving would be good because then we wouldn't get to hang out anymore and he said that he couldn't lie, he agreed. Yeah, it's the things like that that hurt. After comments like "You have been hurt so much by people in the past", why not hurt me more? Logical isn't it. Whatever. Sorry that was a few seconds worth of rant. I apologize, I've got myself all worked up and crying. And I gotta go to work, silly me. Well I am moving. In a month an a half. 45 days to be exact. I'm a mix of emotions: sad, happy, excited, and all that jazz. I will put one more thing in this blog before I go... busy day today with work and such. Josh Tanner is literally one of the coolest people ever. We sat and talked the other night and it was really fun. To be honest I was telling Jon last night that that was one of the funnest times I've had hanging out with people in a long time, he literally made me feel like he wanted to hang out with me. Not something I get too much from too many people anymore. But we just talked and joked for hours. He is one quality guy. To any single ladies out there... I'm now taking apps for the position of JT's girl friend. Let me know if you are interested in dating a 23 year old single Christian guy who's a "Sexy man beast"... lol. Seriously, he's the best. Lol. Anyway. I'm off to work...
Spears
Spears
Friday, May 5, 2006
Appalling
I don't believe I have ever been so appalled as when I stumbled upon a video interview with Shirley Phelps-Roper. I don't know if you have heard of her church or not, but they run a website called godhatesfags.com. They protest funerals of those who have given their lives in service to our country... to protect the right of free speech for idiots like her. They say that soldiers are going to hell because they serve a country that supports gays. They have signs that read "God hates fags" "God hates America" and the kicker "God hates you". I don't know who the God is that they serve, but that is not MY GOD. My God is a God of LOVE and PEACE. A God of FORGIVENESS and MERCY. Her father (and coincedently also her father-in-law because she is married to her step brother) has been noting saying "You can't preach the Bible without preaching hatred." and
"God doesn't hate them because they're fags; they're fags because God hates them." I really am so discusted and sickened by this whole group. This is what really happens when Christianity is distorted. It's heart breaking. Let me just lay down some truth...
Matthew 22:37-40 -- Jesus replied, " 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "
Luke 6: 36-37 -- You must be compasionate, just as your father is compassionate. Stop judging others and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.
Luke 24:47 -- With my authority, take this message of repentance to all the nations, beginning in Jerusalem: `There is forgiveness of sins for all who turn to me.'
AND NOMATTER WHAT PEOPLE LIKE HER SAY... IT DOESN'T MATTER... .What GOD says MATTERS. Those are HIS words and HE LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!
Peace out...
Spears
"God doesn't hate them because they're fags; they're fags because God hates them." I really am so discusted and sickened by this whole group. This is what really happens when Christianity is distorted. It's heart breaking. Let me just lay down some truth...
Matthew 22:37-40 -- Jesus replied, " 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "
Luke 6: 36-37 -- You must be compasionate, just as your father is compassionate. Stop judging others and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.
Luke 24:47 -- With my authority, take this message of repentance to all the nations, beginning in Jerusalem: `There is forgiveness of sins for all who turn to me.'
AND NOMATTER WHAT PEOPLE LIKE HER SAY... IT DOESN'T MATTER... .What GOD says MATTERS. Those are HIS words and HE LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!
Peace out...
Spears
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
An Update
Well, life's moving pretty fast for me right now. I'm moving to Grand Haven in a month and a half, starting school in Muskegon a day after I get there and then I've gotta find an apartment. Here in the Downriver, I've been going crazy with things to do. Two jobs, a wedding, an engagement, spending what time I have left with friends when I can. I'm short on money, time and on sleep. I won't be able to go to New York with Cession now because I won't have the money. But in the mix of disappointment, stress, trials and busyness, God and I are actually finding time to spend together. It's pretty amazing. He's on my mind so much and even though now I'm going through stuff that is hard to handle, I can hold on. Last night I had a break down on the phone with a friend. When the conversation ended I still wasn't doing well. Then God and I got to talkin and He just made me feel so much better. I trust Him to take care of me and though I feel alone, stressed out, and sad at times, He can take me in His arms, hold me and whisper comforting words that make the saddest thoughts run and hide because He does have plans for my future. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Though things may be hard now, they won't be hard forever and He's trying to show me that even if it's just me and Him, that's enough. I don't need anything or anyone else to fall back on. It's a hard lesson to learn, but one that I need to be taught. He's touched my heart in a way that I can't even describe. I'm really in love with this God. I pray that He continues to change me into who He wants me to become. Purple Like Raggae is going good though. Discussion is evolving and everyone is sharing their opinions. Not everyone shares the same views which I think is the best part. I like the fact that we are a group that can say what they're thinking and even if no one agrees, they won't just be shot down. People can take what they're saying or leave it, but none the less it can be said. Well I've gotta get to work, so that's all for now....
In His Hands,
Meliss
In His Hands,
Meliss
Monday, April 24, 2006
Vacation and Realization
Well I got back from Grand Haven this morning. I had an amazing trip and God and I really got to talk a ton. We hit this awesome level in our relationship where we have never been before. It's been mind blowing. Realism of life and what things are really about hit me smack in the face. I've been shown so many things and God is really trying to get me to trust him. I literally made it home on fumes. Lol... I had no money on me (I left some at home) and I was on E... 3 miles till empty when I pulled up to my house. Took all of that gas just to restart my car to head to the gas station. Made it there and put 20 bucks in (just an fyi for anyone reading... gas prices are outrageous!!) and everything was good. Came home to get the mail... I definitely am not a math major because I over wrote my checking account before I left and didn't know it. I am now, with fees and such, MAJORLY in debt to my bank. But I have to go and try to clear that up after work tomorrow afternoon. I have, however, decided that I need to start giving God what is his and trust him with my finances... That means tithing!!! I am so bad at it, but I am really going to start because I know that not only is it the right thing to do, but I really want to do it. I also am going on a Mission Trip with Watermark.... and guess where?!?! New York City!!!! For a WHOLE week!!!! I'm frickin excited!!! It's the second week of July. Oh and I'm registered for classes. I start June 27th (I know I'm going to be missing 6 hours of class when we go to NYC, but that's such a once and a life time trip, I gotta go)... yeah a summer class. I'm really excited about that one!!! It's History and it should be really cool. Speaking of cool, I just want everyone to know that Wally and Sarah Harrison are the most AWESOME people on the planet. I absolutely ADORE Sarah... she's one of the nicest, sweetest, honest, caring, just all around greatest people I've ever had the privilege to meet, even though she's not much older than me, I look up to her so much. And Wally... he's so awesome, he's really just one of those people I could talk to about God for HOURS, he has such amazing insight and just an awesome outlook on it all. He's got such an awesome heart and it's so evident that he's chasing hard after Jesus. And I really like Nate too. He's so great. I went to the hub b4 Wally and Sarah got back on Sunday and he really just made me feel like I was right at home. Everyone did really. But I just really like Nate and his wife. Hanging out with the four of them after Cession (Watermark's youth ministry) on Sunday was just so amazing. I am so happy that I'm going to be moving there. God is just so awesome. And on that note... I'm off for the night... stuff to do, then hittin the hay...
Meliss
Meliss
Thursday, April 6, 2006
Lonely
It's been a while, but here's just a blog on how I'm feelin tonight. We had Purple Like Raggae tonight. I thought it went well. I love that the group is so talkative and into discussion. I really like the fact that we can all give our opinions. Rach came tonight. I really love that girl. (Kathy's the reason I'm back on the blogger, I had to reset my password and everything so I could use it). Rach asked me to go with her on a mission trip to Ireland next summer. How awesome is that? I'm so excited. God really does keep all His promises and when He calls you to do something, He means it. Even if you feel like giving up, He won't. That last sentence was actually really profound to me. I feel so much like giving up. I'm hurting so much and everything seems so hard right now. But somehow I know that God is going to bring me through all this. He's going to get glory from what He does with my life. And He's going to do something big with it. He's going to impact the world, and He's going to use me. My heart is focused on the wrong things and as hard as I've tried to change it's focus, it shifts right back to where it was before. Even as I write these words, wishing I wouldn't be this way, my mind is somewhere else focused on the things I'm going through right now. Arg! I feel so alone. My neighbor died today. I called her grandma, and when I was younger I used to go over her house all the time. She would tell me stories about growing up here. I've just tried to keep it out of my mind. I didn't really talk about it too much tonight. I actually have tried not to think about it, because when I do I just start crying. You see, she's been in a nursing home for the last year and I haven't gotten to see her. It breaks my heart that I just let her go and didn't visit or anything. I feel so horrible. I wanted to go to Jon's tonight after PLR, but he didn't want me to come over. I just don't want to be alone right now. If I wasn't alone, I wouldn't be thinking about it, and I wouldn't be crying. But instead, I'm here, thinking about my grandma, my lack of faith, my faults, and everything else that's wrong with my life. I just hate it. What am I going to do when I move out? When I'm always alone? I'm scared. Nights like tonight scare me. They make me think that it's going to be like this all of the time once I move to my own apartment. I know that "God will be with me", because that's what I'm told, but what about right this second? I feel so alone, and I'm in so much pain. I just want someone to call, to talk about the weather or the color of the sky. Anything to take my mind off of everything else. I want someone to hug, someone to hold, someone to tell me it's all okay. It doesn't feel okay, nothing feels okay. Why can't I just trust God? Why can't He just be enough for me? I feel like such a horrible person because it seems like He's not, like I need more. And here I am, sitting in my room at 11 o'clock, crying my eyes out and feeling so alone. I can't even shift my stupid thoughts to the amazing things that God has done for me, I try, then I run right back to the thoughts of ".... but look at this, look at how I feel, look at how lonely I am". I can be so incredibly selfish. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I'd drive a hundred miles to be held by someone for just five minutes. I hate being in this much pain. I am gonna go now. I just want to talk to my Jesus. Pray for me.
Meliss
Even if you feel like giving up, He won't.
Meliss
- Exodus 14:13: Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the LORD rescue you.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Regression
Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself. It's like I'm doing good for a couple of days or even weeks, and then all of a sudden I go back to the way I was. I'm depressed and I'm just regressing into the person I used to be. I feel like I'm going backwards instead of growing. I wonder if everyone feels like that sometimes... They probably do. I dunno. It's like I read the words I wrote just a week or so ago and they don't even apply right now. I feel stagnant and stale in my relationship with God. Everything for Purple Like Reggae seems to be halted. I feel like I'm just a burden and bother to most everyone. I got in a huge fight with my brother today. I don't even know that I would call it a fight. We never talk anyway. I wanted to take my nephew out for his birthday. But apparently it's not an option. Not only that, but I asked him why he never talks to me and he gives me this bs of "I don't like the way you talk my mother". Whatever. That's not the reason. If it is, then why does the rest of the family talk to me. And what the hell do I do anyway? Yeah, we fight. But so what? I mean yeah, I wish that I reacted better to the situations I get in with her, but I don't. It's hard to be like "okay even though you are telling me I suck at life and will never amount to anything, I'm gonna sit here and be totally okay with it". NO. I'm not. I'm gonna yell, that's my nature. Its how they raised me. It's not like I go up to my mother and just start yelling at her and calling her names. I mean if I ever yell, it's because she's yelling too. But none the less, that's between me and mom. The real reason is, is that his wife hates me and would rather see the kids hang out with an ex-con than to spend the afternoon with me. I guess I should just let it go, but God does it piss me off. What the hell am I asking for? Just a relationship with my brother and his kids. I don't think that that's unreasonable. I'm just sick of all of it. So now, of course, my mother is yelling at me. Her son is the angel, perfect in all ways, just like her. And me, her daughter? I'm a sinful and horrid girl, who is going to burn in Hell for the things that I do and believe. All the while I just want to show God's love to the world and can't even grip enough to show it to my family. I really do suck! Arg. I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel alone. And tired. And hurt. God I feel so hurt. After I hung up the phone with my brother, I cried for a solid hour. I want to be over it, just let it go. "Let sleeping dogs lie" as I told my brother I should have done. I'm stupid for drudging things up with us. I should have just let it alone. I should have just told Josh that there's no way that we could be close because his mother and father hate me. I would give anything to have a good relationship with him. And you know what sucks? There are so many people out there who have what I'd give anything for and they just take advantage of it. I envy Heather so much. She can call up her sister and talk to her for hours. She lives with her brother. She can drive over to her sister's house, pick up her neice and nephew and just take them out to the movies. I dunno. I've gotta let it go. Like everything else in life, I just can't have the things I want the most. And I need to learn to let them go. I don't really have anything else to write. I'm gonna go for now.
Spears
Spears
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Life or something like it
I've been in such a weird state the last week or so. I started my new job, which I actually like a lot. Um, I've been in such an interesting mood... I can't really discribe it. I'm not depressed anymore. I think it may actually be happiness... I'm trying to be patient on the promises God has given me. As I have recently found out, I am not a patient person. I am however so happy with my friends right now. I love them so much. They really make me see the blessings God will give me if I wait for Him. I love all of them so much. I know I said that already, but I don't think that I can stress it enough. They are so amazing. What would I do without them? They show God's love to me every day. I know that I'm still kinda like "Well hey God, where's this boyfriend of mine" sometimes, but NO WHERE near as much as I was before. It has grown much easier to see my friends happy and still be alone for now. Like Mel and Dave. I am so incredibly happy for them. I'm glad that they are together and really care so much for one another. I am so excited for Danielle and Aaron's wedding. I'm happy for Brynne and Adam. I mean, yeah it's kinda lonely when I see em all cuddly and stuff, but now I just rest secure in my heart that my "husband to be" is out there waiting for me just the same. That's such an awesome thought. I dunno, to me anyway. Like I'm sitting here thinking that I wish that we could find each other and he is somewhere else in this same world, thinking the same thing. That's the coolest thought to me. It's not like he doesn't exsist. He's really out there. We just have to let God change us into the people we need to be for each other before He can put us together. And I know he's gonna be worth the wait. Every time those thoughts of loneliness creep up in the old noggin (Fyi: Anchorman quote) I just think of that and they leave. It's really amazing. And let me tell you what... The movie Elizabethtown is SOOO awesome. I want a romance like that. Where we meet and we just click, talk on the phone till the sun rises :) Aww... I'm such a hopeless romantic. :) I'm alright with that though. Anyway... back to more important stuff. God is really moving in me. It's so awesome. I feel so different inside. It's really cool. And sometimes I start to revert back to my old ways of thinking and doing and such and He just calmly reminds me of the track I'm supposed to be running on. It's cool that He's kind of I dunno, given me some wisdom. I really want to find out my work scedule soon so that we can plan "Purple Like Reggae". Speaking of work I better go... I'll be late if I don't because I still have to stop and get gas.
Spears
Spears
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
The Search Continues
So I'm trying to figure out where it is that I want to go from here. I want to go to college. I think I know what I want to go for. I just don't know what college and when to start. Should I go to Eastern and start in the fall? Should I go to Henry Ford and start in the summer? Or should I go to Wayne County for a while just to take some fun classes? I really want to work toward getting out of college by the time I'm at least 24, it'd be cooler if it were sooner, but hey. I want to go to Cornerstone and live on campus, but it costs so much and it seems like it will be hard to make the move. I know I probably should though. But I could just stay here and go to Eastern with Mel. I'm just praying so hard for direction. I'm also praying that I can get this stuff with my credit cleared up. Well I guess that's really all I've got for now, gonna go make some updates on my myspace...
In His Hands,
Spears
In His Hands,
Spears
Life Moves On
So Jon and I had "the talk" on Sunday night. It went really well. He didn't say much. I did a lot of yelling. I really just got everything off of my chest. I told him that I didn't want things to be sugar coated and I just wanted us to be honest with each other from here on out. Things that had been harboring inside of me for a long while. It's nice that it's finally over. I think our friendship is going to benifit immensely with the change in status. He was really cool about all of it and let me get a ton of things off my chest, not just about us, but about life in general for me. That's how I know he's really a true friend. I told him to f-off and he still sat and listened to me. I am thankful for his friendship, and I'm glad that I finally know that we're never going to be together. I told him that and he agreed that it was a good idea. I thought it would hurt more. It was like closure, a chance to move on with life. I feel so much better about things. Last night I went to his house to hang out and we ended up talking about our relationships with other people. He told me about a girl he was liking. I thought before that it would be a big issue because it would be really hard to hear. It wasn't at all actually. We're not going to end up together, so yeah, he's going to date and marry another girl. Before that statement would have made me cry, now it actually makes me smile. I have a chance to start focusing on God. I love God so much. He really takes care of me.
Right now I'm listening to Watermark's last gathering on iTunes on my computer. It's cool that I can still hear the service even on the other side of the state. I really want to move over there. I want to get out of the Downriver, but I just don't think it's going to happen. I have to trust in God though. I know that He is going to continue to take care of me. He's really been showing up in amazing ways in my life. I know that I really need to start working hard on my relationship with Him. He is so important, I know now I can't sit Him on the back burner of my life. Pray for me. Pray I will be what God is calling me to be. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I think of all the things I know I should be striving toward for God and I, for lack of a better word, am being a slacker. I know that He wants to turn me into who He sees when He looks at me, but I'm selfish and I won't let Him. He really has started to change my heart and I want that to begin to show on the outside now. Well I'm gonna get some sleep, I've also got some stuff to get done.
Spears
Right now I'm listening to Watermark's last gathering on iTunes on my computer. It's cool that I can still hear the service even on the other side of the state. I really want to move over there. I want to get out of the Downriver, but I just don't think it's going to happen. I have to trust in God though. I know that He is going to continue to take care of me. He's really been showing up in amazing ways in my life. I know that I really need to start working hard on my relationship with Him. He is so important, I know now I can't sit Him on the back burner of my life. Pray for me. Pray I will be what God is calling me to be. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I think of all the things I know I should be striving toward for God and I, for lack of a better word, am being a slacker. I know that He wants to turn me into who He sees when He looks at me, but I'm selfish and I won't let Him. He really has started to change my heart and I want that to begin to show on the outside now. Well I'm gonna get some sleep, I've also got some stuff to get done.
Spears
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
A little bit about me
Well I guess this will be the blog entry to tell about myself. I was born and raised here in Wyandotte. A small city on the outskirts of Detroit. My cousin Heather and I grew up inseparable and we are still pretty close. I was the typical good girl until about the 6th grade or so. I started doing drugs when I got to middle school. The whole "wrong crowd" deal. I've had and lost many friends along the way in life. People can be really mean. I ran away from home in the ninth grade. I really was just empty inside. Sometimes I still feel that way. Like running away could take away some of the pain that I feel. I know that it won't, but sometimes it seems like it may. My parents thought it would be a great idea to force me to go to church. I resented them a lot. Not only that, I really didn't even think that God exsisted. I started dating a boy named Jon in 10th grade. I met him at the church we were going to. We made a lot of mistakes. We broke up about a year and a half later. I was still in love with him, but I knew then that he wasn't really who I was supposed to be with. At the end of our relationship I accepted Jesus into my heart. I felt a love from Him that I felt from no one else. It was as if the whole world didn't want to love me and I was completely alone, and there He was. Arms open, begging me to come to Him. I started immediately looking for another church. One that would help me really understand Jesus, who He was, and what He wanted from me. I'm still on that journey. I felt God leading me to a place called New Hope. I really liked the church and the people, but the penticostal deal just wasn't my thing. I then went to a place called Metro South, there I met my best friend Melissa Capra. I met a lot of great people through Real Life (the youth ministry) and Metro and they are still some of my best friends. I also met a lot of people who really influenced my friendship with God in a positive way. Wally, Sarah, Mike, Sherry, Mrs. Taylor, Penny, Sandy, Chelsie, and Suzy just to name a few of them. During the time I was at Metro, Jon and I had an on again off again friendship. We fought a lot. I really thought I still wanted to be with him, that he was the one God had chosen for me. I guess maybe I'll bring the relationship with Jon up to date before I continue with the rest of the story. Him and I became really good friends. He kept telling me he wanted to be with me one minute and then the next minute he said he didn't really mean that. I've spent the last two years living in the hope that maybe one day he would realize that he really did mean it and I would be something more to him then just some chick. I never have though. Over the last month, things with us just kept getting more complicated. He told me that he didn't want a relationship right now but could see us having one in the future. That he wanted to be with me, but didn't want to pursue me right now because we weren't the people God wanted us to be yet. I was alright with that. It still hurt because I wanted to be with him, but it was alright because I believed that it would happen one day. Then just last night, he said that he had met someone for the first time that he really did want to actively pursue. That he never really pursued me, that I'd basically been easy to get with from the start. So what he was saying was that he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to come right out and say it either. I feel like he really just led me on. I finally can say that I know he's not the one. There is no maybe anymore. It's really true. It hurts to come to a realization like that, but I'm glad that I could finally do it. Its going to be hard guarding my heart from falling in love with him, but I know that that is what needs to be done. I can't be with him. He's hurt me too much. Well now that the Jon rant is out of the way.... I don't like what Metro has become, nor Real Life. So I'm looking for a new home. A few of us started a Bible study called Purple Like Reggae. We have only had one meeting so far, and we've got to set up a time and day for it, but it is truely a God sent idea. We are going to be reading through the Gospels together and doing service projects like visiting Nursing Homes and volunteering at soup kitchens. I know that I'm not where I need to be in my relationship with God, but I want Him to help me get there. It will take time and lots of work, but I'm willing to do it. I want to show the world that Jesus isn't some guy trying to condemn you to burn in Hell, but a man who loves you and wants to be a part of your life. He wants to show that love to others through me, and I want to let Him. Well, that's all for now... I have to get up and get ready for a wedding tomorrow, so I'm gonna hit the hay...
Spearmint
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